Sometimes life is strange, I have at the ripe young age of 60

suddenly come to the realization that I am no longer of much value

to society in general. My skills are very dated now. My mind not

so quick to reach the perfect logical decision all the time. I used to

be able to quickly analyze my situation make adjustments and

move on.... a seamless and smooth operation... not so now. I study,

think, rationalize and then act... either too late or incorrectly.


This past year 2009.... I really tried. Do what I know best... home

repairs. Well, hell, that didn't work. 6k later and not much else to

show for it, its now Dec and all work has dried up. So what now.

22k a year to live my lifestyle. That won't work. I eat second day

bread, no meat, canned vegetables, and still the least I spend on

groceries is $30 week.. 1.5k per yr.... 9k for medical, 6k various

other insurance, 5 k for HOA.... oh god..... where does it end.


So now what... spend down my savings and live in my truck.... I

could do that. But do I want too?? not sure?? or move down, save

even more, take the leap of faith I can live without insurance and go

from there.... Ok... I never intended to end up like this. I shoulda,

coulda, etc.... but I didn't. So here It's almost 2010 and damn!!! I

have to start over. Go back to work?? Prostitute myself on Indian

Ave..... naw, that won't work, not much demand for 60 yr old gray

haired men down there..... sell my body to science??... no did that

back in 1968.... move back to the commune.... no, it's gone....

move in with my kids?? didn't have any........ Damnnnnnn.....


Can I live from hand to mouth..... no savings, no checking account,

no credit card... etc...... pay cash, panhandle, sell scrap metal, do

as I did in 1969 and go all the way back.... damn insurance, no car,

no liabilities, no utilities, do coke, mary jane, alkyhal, anything to

dull the senses.... will the gnawing aggravation in my stomach go

away??? I don't know??


Remember 1971... St.Marks FL.... when you saw a man blown

away with automatic weapons fire... drugs... damn.... how did I get

here... where am I going.... then the withdrawal.... $50 a day

heroine habit... gotta get the monkey off my back... cold turkey..

friends... and then after being passed out in the swamps of Wakulla

County 3 days I emerge... a shadow... 120 lbs... no food or water

for days. Dehydrated, sick, weak, malarial, covered in bites..... if

there is a god then let him deliver me now to the eternal inferno of

cremation....


I lived, I thrived, I worked, I never went back, after doing this for

20 yrs a gift.... no, an opportunity.. a new me... a new beginning...

more money than my family ever had..... damn.... gone... pissed

away... and I didn't spend it on drugs.... I coulda, it came to me

without reservation or ... don't do this or that.... I coulda gone and

went back.... mainlining... shoot up… float, drift, life is perfect, life

is wonderful, the world is a beautiful place, this is Eutopia...... the

colors are ever eternal and wondrous beyond anything of

mortals........


Is there a God... why am I still here... I buried my first love... and

many after yet still I am here... Why????.... Is there a greater

scheme of things that I am supposed to be a part of..... did some

power beyond my imagination plan for me to be more, do

more????

Drug free, 60, and done with life........my rope is very short.....


Dec 16th, 2009

amends letter

Dear Lukas,

i was really angry at you for a long time for the things that happened between us. however, since i am in aa, and a christian, i feel the need to forgive you or apologize for my part. so i'm writing this letter. now, over a year later, i get burned up a little bit when i think of everything that happened. i disappointed myself, mostly, by allowing you to disrespect me and treat me in a way that i would never treat anyone, even my worst enemy. i am grateful for one thing writing this letter, though, and that is that i can be completely honest. i know that out of all people, you would be most likely to understand these ramblings and not take offense.

i dont really know what happened to make things the way they were, except that everything spiraled out of control. i was at the very worst, and i'm sorry about that, if it affected you in a bad way, because i am sure it was unpleasant to be around. even now i feel embarrassed about how needy and awful i was acting, and that is the biggest reason i found it so hard to forgive you- because it's easier in some way for us to forgive other for fucking up, than it is for us to forgive them for seeing us at our very worst- i honestly hope you have forgotten knowing me in this state, because it made me cringe.

i felt so out of control, so lost, and so hopeless and needy that i clung to you for all my support, and that's not healthy. i was totally alone and vulnerable to someone like you, to use me and treat me badly and lie to me and treat me like i was barely a coherent human being.
this was a very hard lesson for me to learn, and took a long time to forgive, but i dont blame you anymore for what happened. you happened to be the person to witness and participate in my falling down, but i dont blame you because if it wasnt you it probably just would have been someone else.

i think you should know that things are a lot better for me now. i hope they are better for you too. i am a much stronger person now as a result of what i went through, all the suffering helped me find my faith in God, so i thank you for being part of that even though I hated you for a while. I wish you all the best.
Erica

New Year

Happy New Year's from The Anonymous Diary Project. The project began a year ago and I hope it finds those who have contributed in a better place. The new year brings new opportunities and growth. I am looking forward to sharing more from those that need an outlet. I hope this project has helped you realize you're not alone. I know it has done so for me.
Best Wishes in the New Year!

entry

this is my entry to you:

I can't remember if I cancelled my friend request or if you denied it. I don't know. It just means that I won't be able to send you my letter, the one way to get me much closer to closure. So instead, I'll flow it out of here, not necessarily to see if it gets to you, but because I need to purge these thoughts out somehow. It can't be stuck in a miserable myspace message for all time.

even though this is the first time in so many months, it sucks to undestand how i miss you. it shouldn't be fair, because it doesn't help with how i deal with relationships with others, because it affects me as much as any other dating failure would, despite this not being a dating failture because we never dated. but i've had romantic closeups with other guys and I've come to see that I intentionally sabotage those relationships in order to make it hard for me to sustain friendships (and i'm still too naive to move on from failed dating encounters because i haven't had enough). At the same time I will not place all of the blame on myself because I'll only allow so much self hate. It felt ridiculous because it seemed more convienant for you than for me towards the end of our friendship, which was all too hurtful because I hardly felt convienanced when my hard-made messages were weakly replied. I cant blame you for being a quiet guy, but I also resent you for knowing that I wanted something of an unconventional human connection, but not doing anything about it to make it unconventional or worth my while. I had to give up because my life waited for me. my LOVE life still waits for me because of you, and i just wish i knew how to make the right cure for it.

I've grown some since the time you fully knew me, as a high school senior. so I understand the progression of a strong connection fading out, and I understand that you'd be so past remembering me that this message feels so foreign. A lot of my life is like that., wherein I'm at a school making films and loving it, making lots of friends, looking at the skyline each night and smiling to myself and the path that led me here. it's a peripheral, but hurtful feeling to still remember you. Why, why, oh why has it happened that i've added, deleted you, deleted myself, added you and deleted again, only to give you a last message that I would hope and hope would hurt you because it would hurt me? why write this again? my pride is being thrown at the mercy of my innocent crushes from when I was officially a teenager, all through sending this message. and i need to send it now, where i'm slightky uninhibited so as not to feel so regretful of the pressing the "send" button. I hate it so much. but my pride and m hopeful ability to love others wants to do this, even if it gets a disappointing reply or nothing at all. I should expect that by now, because I've felt so inadequate since this time.

And what do i want from you? hell if I know. I want to talk to you in a not dramatic voice like now. i want to tell you the things i've learned, the people who changed me, the emotions that transformed me to someone who wants to talk to you, but is knowing that the lack of reply is just going to be a whip on my hardened skin, un-penetrable by this disappointmenets. So honestly, I won't care what the outcome of this will be. I've got three films, two sound mixing jobs, one mid-term, and many drunkard friends to think about. Too busy. But you've become unnessary flavor to me. shit, man.

I'll hate myself for sending this, but fuck it. if I have shitty emotional problems with guys i've never theoretically met, then i'll deal with it however the fuck i want. help me out on that, too, okay?

Sorry if I throw this shit at you now. you probably have a really hot girlfriend right now. i'd just really like some shit thrown at me right now too.

the last time?

heroin almost took my life earlier this year. i said i would never go back but somehow i did. i just got over the withdrawls and i feel amazing. life seems worth living again. even the cold winter wind chilling me feels amazing simply because i can feel again. i can't say for sure if this will be the last time but i hope it is. even one day hooked on heroin is one day too many.

Worst Fear

Everyday I see these couples around campus, holding hands, holding each other and it makes me wonder for what reason, I don't have that. I feel so lonely sometimes that it tears me apart. I have friends and a big family but I know somethings missing. It hurts. I fear I'll be alone for the rest of my life...what's a life worth living if you have no one to share it with? Maybe it sounds silly but it doesn't to me. I lie to myself, constantly, saying that love isn't real and that I don't have feelings for someone because I'm so scared of rejection. I'm only 18 and I know some people would say that is so young to be in love but I have never even been in a relationship in my life. I went through high school alone. All my friends from grade school have boyfriends and here I am. Alone. It just doesnt make sense...what is wrong with me? I don't want to alone. I want to be with someone. I want to fall in like with someone, hold hands with someone, kiss someone, laugh with someone. Most of all, I just want to be held by someone. I'm so terrified that will never happen...every evening as I sit on my couch I feel so alone. I feel like no one cares. I dont feel good enough for anyone. It's so scary to think about but seeing myself in 10 years alone isnt so far fetched...oh god...I'm so tired of being alone and feeling lonely. I'm so tired of seeing everyone else around me fall in love while I just sit back and watch. My worst fear has always been the though of ending up alone...I've never been more scared of it then now.

Not Ever, but Forever

I'm not about to leave you, but if you forget to say I love you one more time.. how do you think I will sleep at night?
I'm head over heels and you won't open a closed lip. I miss you and I wish you would come back, but you can't. I ache.
Some things are stronger than will-power, but one day. One day you will be with me, and you won't forget silly little cliches,
or midnight dates on skype. You love me, and I forget that. You don't deserve for me to forget that or doubt you.
I'm endearing. I'm holding out my heart to you, show me yours. Tell me that everything will be alright, because it will.
I'll wait for you. Come back to me. Forever, I love you.

I need an outsiders opinion

I wish I was more comfortable going home.

Visiting my family has become a nightmare.

I love them right to death and im very close to them... just not as close as I want to be.

there's something holding me back, and I don't know if its the severe anxiety I developed from a bad trip on shrooms, or just the natural guilt of moving out age 18. maybe its my bad memory?

everytime I visit home I... look at my family and my house and feel like a stranger. I feel like THEY are strangers. its neither of our faults, its just awkward for me. of course we feel the same as any family would but this feeling I get... lord its unexplainable.

I live about 4 hours away, and visit them atleast once a month for 2 or 3 days. every time I arrive I get hit like a train with memories I forgotten. memories I forgot to feel. you know? like getting off the school bus, coming home, doing absolutely nothing but go online and listen to music, or just find change in the couch to rent a movie. we'd have bbq's and bonfires and me and my sister would play and talk and desperately try to find a ride from point a to point b. I had a lot more acquantices there then I do here. regardless if I was bored to tears, the fact that I tried so hard to make plans was an adventure to me. be it camping in the woods, climbing trees, breaking into abandon houses, random house dance parties, cranking music, and making music.

my parents would get mad if I didn't load the dishwasher. I miss that. my parents would laugh at the things I said, or critique me, I miss that too.

now I live in new hampshire. im on my own. and I want more than anything to feel comfortable at home again, maybe I've found a more comfortable home? I don't know. but it hurts, not overly emotional to the point that I'd cry, but it does indeed hurt.

I think im homesick. but it could be anxiety... has anyone ever felt this way? I'd appreciate anyones input.


please

The easiest thing to do is talk openly and directly about what has happened in my life, so here goes: When I was a little girl I was molested by my older sister. I believe something similar had happened to her that caused her to act it out on me, her little sister. We were both young and naive and innocent, I don't think either of us knew what it was or what it meant, we were just acting on some weird instinct we didn't understand.

When I was in 3rd grade I saw a Maury-ish TV show talking about child molestation. I had never heard that term before and didn't know what it meant but felt like it was an answer to what I knew was wrong but didn't know how to end. Later on I told my mom what was going on and I don't really remember much else about what resulted. I remember my sister was mad at me and I guess that began her aggression toward me. I remember the same house that I finally told my mom was the same house that my mom and sister fought in, literally with fists and all. I would try to mediate between them but it never worked of course. I still mediate between them, my sister despises my mom and my mom is fairly oblivious.

I could go into detail about the chaos in the years that resulted from all of this but I am moving past these things and can't allow them to be a crutch!! I guess you just have to have your past and any abuses recognized and heard in order to move past them. It took me years and years to have the courage- because it takes a lot of COURAGE, to tell anyone about this. I started with a therapist in college, after months and months of knowing exactly what I wanted to say but not having the ability to say it in session. What I finally did was write it down and read it out loud word for word to my therapist. I was always in tears after every session I left, to the point were the receptionists no longer pitied me and offered me tissues, but just gave me a sincere smile and nod when I left the office which made me feel allot better and stronger. I became proud of my tear and proud that I was facing something that was had been so scary and felt so embarrassing and had given me so much guilt. I was standing up against all these terrible thing and fighting back. Those tears were battle wounds that made me feel tough. After years of mourning and beginning the process of acceptance I am finally able to talk about what happened openly and with confidence. I have gained power over the situation and have accepted it as it is. I have since talked to my sister about it, forgave her and begged her to forgive herself.

I guess my point is you have to get stuff like this out. No matter how long it's been or how embarrassing or terrible the situation is. The only way to get power over things like this is to face it directly.

The Dark - We Hate It, We Seek it

The Dark seems to repel us at times and attract us at others. I was in
a marriage where I was daily called "Mr. Sh!thead" or
"Sh!t-for-brains". This went on for over 10 years. For about 2 years,
I rebelled and forced or insisted on being addressed with a modicum of human decency. She rebelled to my rebellion and modified her
treatment, but didn't improve it. For 3 more years, when addressed - I answered.

Being called the names hurt me. Answering to the names killed me. I
was dark. I expected that this was how I would die. I actually found
myself feeling that I could welcome death. Death was a way out of the dark Hell.

When it was darkest, I met a mate that was Sunshine. There is nothing adequate to describe the birth from that darkness to this light.
Daylight is so bright.

____________________

In the Light, we have created a life that is supportive and nurturing.
Our personal life, business life, religious life, family life. We have
nothing we could ask for more of.

Growing old together is all the pleasure it should be.

And in this light, we have carved an area where we use (a lower-case)dark for our benefit. Part of our relaxation is that we are nudists or naturists and we get away to resorts and we practice that life at home also - and to be safe from rejection of our peers and loved ones ...
we keep it in the dark.

____________________

The Dark seems to repel us at times and attract us at others.

how did this happen?

Somehow I became invisible somewhere between now and then I let myself completely fade into the back and became this shell of who I feel I really am or maybe of who I want to be I wake up everyday and eat the same thing for breakfast, drink from the same cup wear the same clothes in a 7 day rotation drive the same route to work only to turn around 9 hours later and drive it in reverse I eat dinner talk to my parents talk to my cats and wonder why it is I can’t find someone to love me why it is I have no friends to speak of why it is I am routinely overlooked I stare out the window maybe do a little sewing watch Law & Order then go to bed by 10pm just to wake up and do it again I feel like I have promise that I have the ability to make it – whatever it is - happen I just don’t know how to start and then get so overwhelmed by thinking about it I give up and take a nap instead I am simply terrified that I am going to wake up the crazy old cat lady only I’ll still be living in my parents basement….

This Isn't Hell.

'm a 13 year old girl, and I wouldn't consider everything that's happened these past few years, exactly what a 13 year old should be seeing.

I remember when they broke the news, I didn't quite understand yet. My older brother, was drinking cough syrup frequently. I didn't get that. Until it got worse.

My brother had a drug addiction. It was from pain pills, to such injections, and over the counter cold elixirs. It took such a toll on me. And everything crashed. As a 6th grader, I had started to cut myself. It didn't last long. It came back mildly, but only lasted a tiny bit. I have been free from such activities for a while. My brother caught me doing it, anyway.

My parents even admitted that they didn't pay any attention to me during these times.

That's not the point.

I finally realized that his habit was serious when I looked down in the shower to find a syringe. I was so scared. And then I'd be coming home from school to find him passed out. On his bed, or on the floor, maybe the couch. I'd study him, to make sure he was breathing.

I specifically remember one night.

He came home late for dinner, and didn't bother to call or answer our calls. My parents and him got into such an argument, it started getting bad, and about the drugs.

My dad said "I don't think you're trying to kill yourself, I think you're trying to kill us." and which my brother replied. "You're wrong, I'm trying to kill myself." By then, my mom had ran out of the house, and took a walk. I still remember my dad grabbing my brother by the shirt. And getting right in his face.

I grabbed my cell phone and ran out of the house. I fell into my driveway screaming and crying, and I called my best friend. I asked her to help me, and asked her if I should call 911. I just screamed to her how I thought someone were to get seriously hurt that night. And she was just about to get her mom to come and get me from my house, but my mom came back.

Ends up, nobody got hurt that night. My brother wanted to call the cops for assault on my dad, but he didn't. I never remember being so scared and upset. And I cried myself to sleep for many nights. To this day, I'm haunted by those images.

I even broke down at school.

When he would leave, I would just sit there and cry at the door.

I don't remember when this happened either, but he lost his job at the hospital he worked at, for stealing drugs.

They finally took him to a mental hospital, and I had to go to my friend's house after school. I called my parents to ask where they were, and they told me everything. I got home and I bawled crying yet again. I didn't understand. They tried to calm me down, but I just couldn't and wouldn't. They finally helped me fall asleep, and the next day, I cried the whole way to school, even when we picked up my friends who we drive to school.

My friend came by and asked me what was wrong, and she gave me a hug, and I just pretty much went limp and started bawling to her. A teacher brought me into the office, but they didn't even care what was wrong. All I wanted was someone to listen to me.

My two friends tried to come sit with me, but they wouldn't let them. I wanted friends to be with me. Finally, I had stopped, and the whole grade knew. It was an easy day for me, but only at school. Everyone was so nice to me that day.

Finally, it diminished. After so much emotional pain. I thought I was going to lose my brother, my best friend. And he told me stories how he thought he was going to die. Whose the guardian angel watching over us? Who gave us that miracle?

There's a reason my brother is here with me today. There's a reason why he didn't give up, why we didn't give up on him.

But do we know? Not yet.

And I still remember, how he used to watch Intervention, and go to AA meetings. And one day when he was driving me to my friend's, the ending song from Intervention came on, it was Five Steps by The Davenports. And he was only about a week sober.

He's been sober from the end of August.

And he will be until forever. He promised, anyway.

This would conclude my story, and I know that people have been through much worse, and it's been worse with people, but I hope that someone read this, and it touched them.

Even when times get rough, and you feel like you've lost control, stop. Everyone has those bumps in the road, some larger than others, but never ever give up.

Thank you.

Secret

After all these years and after all the pain you put me through i still love you and i want to be with you. I just wish you'd open yourself up to me, because the dark times we've been through are nothing compared to the light we've shared.

an entry

I had a diary until I was 14, now I am turning 23. So much has happened. A friend once told me, "if you have the need to write in a journal, it means you have no best/true friends". Maybe she was right. I used to have many friends. Untill so many things went down, that I could not even share the complete truth of how I have been living to anyone...accept for my bf who has lived through it with me and has probably caused half of this stuff. I feel relief that I can "talk" to someone, and maybe even if no one reads this, I will go on with a hope that I shared my irresponsible behaviour with an anonymous friend...

I feel like a failure. I feel guilty on daily basis about everything that I do. Also, I have a crawling suspision that most of the time I just feel sorry for myself, instead of doing something about my situation. In 2005 I went to college, I lived on campus. My bf stayed with me. His friends would come over all the time. All of them had substance abuse problems. Year later, I dropped out of school. Blah blah blah, 4 years later I am finishing school(went back in 2008), still with the same guy (he doesn't talk to those friends anymore) but still with a substance abuse problem. Neadless to say, I have adopted it myself. I used to think that he was the one with the problem and I was just keeping him company...but today I have realized that maybe I am even worse...He is in denial about being addicted. He thinks it will just go away (he has sports aspirations/healthy living/something will happen/etc bs and so on). I feel very helpless. I have talked to my most trusted gf and my mom knows that we have tendensy, but no one realizes it is EVERY DAY that we "do it". Honestly, I am so TIRED I want to scream. I know that there are so many other issues in this world that I should be applying myself to, but wtf is it lazyness? addiction? crazyness? I have some stoing beliefs, I have started to take charge of my life, but no matter what I do it seems I can not remove this stupid habit that keeps following me around. I love the guy to death, but he went to the doctor, the results weren't good, and its like why can I not make it stop. I know I love him, I want to live a happy life with him have children an so on... I can not put the whole story here..too long...thank you if you read and comment..

Hey you

A lot of people get weighed down by things they've done or things that have happened to them. I know i have, and i've seen things happen to people. It's hard, but you only live once.. I hate it when people don't take control of their own lives. You always have a choice. You can forgive yourself, change your habits, get help, start working out, change your diet, stop talking to people who bring you down or try something new. I know I'm fortunate, my parents honestly made me believe that i can be anything i want to be. But I also think anyone can. The trick is discovering yourself, spending time with yourself, listening to yourself and believing in yourself. Logoff the computer and go outside, get a good night sleep, read a book, start a journal, do something you don't normally do because seriously, happiness is a choice, even when life sucks. Don't be afraid to go to a psychiatrist if you have to, the right one can really help you. You could've been born with AIDS in Africa. You're lucky.

The World Is So Messed Up

I have been reading all these posts on this diary and they make me so sad. All these people have such sad lives. I have had my share or maybe more of troubles. But I'm not hopeless like so many seem to be. How can the world be so hopeless? All I can say is, there is hope. There is joy too. I have found joy in God. I know that sounds corny and stupid, but it's so true. If people would just try trusting in God they would understand. I mean, what have you got to lose? It's not like once you start you have to pray everyday for the rest of your life. If you just try it, you can stop if it doesn't work. But I have to say, it works. I don't really have a great life, especially right now when we're so poor. But I am so happy. And I am loved. I just wanted to write a happy diary entry, since all the others were so sad. The world can be a beautiful, joyful place.

Where Are All of the Knights In Shining Armor?

I think I have damsel in distress syndrome. Always hoping someone will come and rescue me from my life. From responsibilities and obligations. Mostly from myself. It gets odd, melancholic, lonely and dark when I don't have a particular "white knight" type in mind. The moment I lose one to a realization that they are not who I fantasized, I attempt to seek out another. When I was eleven I told all of my female classmates each week which knew young knight I fancied, moving quickly on from those who apparently lost interest in me, or vice versa. I sat alone and dreamt of flowers, kisses, them rescuing me from my horrid home life, and grand proposals, happy endings. Since, the pattern has continued, frantically picking up the pieces of myself each time one leaves to seek out a new.

Now that I am older, I realize that no one is going to rescue me. I am alone until I find someone who will seem like the sterling character I picture. Only to find that they don't really love me for me, or are abusive, or are just downright not worth notice. It makes it worse I guess to know all of this and yet still continue in the pattern of my fantastical and mostly non-existent love life.

The problem with my current "white knight" is that he has been in the picture so long I can't picture life without him. Sure, he hasn't always been in the forefront of my thoughts these past years, but I am comfortable with my fantasy of him. And he only solidified my image of him with the way he said he'd protect me if I needed him, the way he watched my back around guys who had obvious motives, and hug me lovingly when I was drunk and pathetic. I know someday that he will admit he loves me, get down on one knee, and relish in my childish tactics and tantrums. He will take care of me, whisk me away on a motorcycle or horse back or something and I will never have to face another day of horridness.

Only, now I'm at the point of my pattern where I realize that perhaps I am wrong in my fantasy. Yes, he is still perfect, but I'm starting to realize he doesn't care a lick for me anymore. That is the scariest realization of all. I'd rather find out that he is boring, dumb or ridiculous rather than find out he could never care for me how I picture him caring. Makes me sick, makes my head spin, makes me want to scream, vomit, drink myself into oblivion.

I know that this time is different, I am stronger, but I am struggling even now to avoid these spirals over something so trivial as a failed fantasy. It still hurts though, and I long to numb it instead of suffer.

Well... here i go...

I have no room to complain. But I do... but mostly to myself as of late. I am trying to understand my life and what exactly is happening. I can remember a time when the future looked so bright and I would jump for joy at the thought of being in my early 20's. I'm 23... I feel hopeless.

I know my problems don't seem like much, but to me they are eating away at me. The past 2 years have been strange, for lack of a better term. I moved 300 miles away to live with my best friend because she wanted to help me be the best that i could. 7 months later i moved back, feeling like i betrayed her (which no matter how much she denies it, I think I did). I moved back because I saw how much she was improving and how much I felt I wasn't. I became a bitter person for a while.... i sank into a depression, gained 30 pounds, felt guilty and horrible and angry and sad for about a good year or so.

I did continue to talk to her... but lately things seem different. She's doing so well and I am soooo friggin' proud of her. I will always be proud of her. But i think now that i see her move up, i am getting discouraged. I feel i should be inspired by her, but it is not happening. I just quit my job about a month ago... now I am so broke it is unbeleivable. I live with my mother and brother, I have one friend who occasionally comes over so I can watch her smoke pot, and i secretly can't stand her because she is so full of herself it makes me sick..

I feel so alone right now. No love, no companionship. I can't ever have any fun because i feel that would be rewarding myself for being a fuck-up. I miss my best friend, but I feel she is making new friends that don't have severe emotional problems. I want to cry, but im so dryed up tears won't even form. I just wish that somehow I was born without chips on my shoulder or hair trigger emotions. It's all good I guess. Life goes on :)

Nothing ever changes

This year I will be 45. I have no savings and work at a company which is showing signs of going under. I don't even own a house. The last guy who lived with me stuck me with a bunch of bills that I can't afford. I'm a complete loser but what upsets me the most is I'm alone.

All I want is for a man to notice I exist and be kind to me. All the men my age want 20 year olds. Honestly, even when I was 20 I was still ugly so now that I'm old I have zero chance of ever getting a date. I've tolerated so much physical and emotional abuse to avoid being alone but it always reaches a point where I can't take it anymore. Then I regret leaving no matter how horribly I was treated.

I've attempted suicide in the past and fear I'll just snap and try it again. I wish that men realized there is more to a woman than looks. I didn't ask to look this way and if I had the money I'd get plastic surgery so to treat me like garbage because I'm ugly is completly unfair. I realize there is no hope left for me but if just one person reads this and reailzes ugly people have feelings too it might make a difference for someone else.

i dont know why

i dont know why i dont eat, there isnt one thing that i can blame it on or not just one that comes to mind. you might read this and think "well whats their problem then?" i dont know either so dont ask. dont get my wrong i havnt had an easy childhood, with my dad giving me and my sister druggs to make us sleep so he could go out and cheat, and then he left when i was just 3. i dont miss him because i just dont see him. mums boyfriend after that was abusive to my mum just about every day. everthings really calmed down now, so i dont know why im like this. my boyfriends just notaced and is being great. mums been great. sisters been great. so am i just craving attention?

Fear

My visions cloudy again, so cloudy to the point where I don't even want to be awake anymore. I hate this. I need to see a doctor. Seeing this way makes me overly panicky and uncomfortable, which usually sets off an anxiety attack that I DO NOT want to have. I think I'm a hypochondriac.. but maybe its the people who are telling me "there's nothing wrong with your eyes", well how can you possibly say this when you can't see what im seeing? I'm stuck in a rut. My insurance card is 2 hours away at my mothers house, whom im going to visit in 2 days. Then I can go to an eye doctor. I feel like everyday my vision gets worse though. I truly feel like I'm going blind. Lately I've been thinking about being blind, how I'd go through life without my sight... and honestly, id rather be deaf than blind anyday. ugh this is an everyday struggle. it seems to get worse at night.

So I'm freaking out right now...I have no job, no money, a few belongings and I'm living with my boyfriend because my family will not allow me to move back in with them...

I have to pay the bank around $400 from overdraft fees and late fees...And I have to pay a $200 phone bill of three months.

Right now I'm feeling worthless and dejected. I can't find a job anywhere because of my age (too young), or because I don't have the right "look".

Ugh! I am so tired of it all. The only thing that seems to be holding me together is my boyfriend.
He assures me that everything is going to be alright, but he doesn't understand the stress I'm under.
He gets all of his bills paid for by his family, and I can only support myself.
As frustrated as I am by all of this...I still love him. Grr....
Well people, please pray for me so that I may get a job and start to get back on my feet??
It is a harsh harsh world right now.

I'm never sure how to start something like this. It seems that most of the time I'm lieing to myself as much as anyone else. Even now, I haven't told anyone the truth.
I'm afraid of how things will change at that point. Right now, I can see how my so called friends truly are. Over the past few months, as I've slowly been getting sicker, they make every excuse to stay away from me. Telling them wouldn't really solve anything... all I would get was false sympathy, guilty friendships.
I don't know why the idea of that is so frightening. But right now, I feel as though I need their hatred. I need to know who and what they really are because if they pretended, I couldn't keep up my own mask.

My closest friend. My only friend. The only person who has never stabbed me in the back and laughed while I broke, brought me out to dinner, and we talked about the future we hoped to have. Where we planned to be in just a few months.

And when she left, I cried. Because I couldn't tell her the truth, and just how much those talks hurt me.

How do I tell them that I'm not just sick... I'm not going to get better. That making plans for a few months from now might just be completely useless.

Its the oddest feeling. Not being sick. But just how... expected it was. I was always so afraid to move forward, because I always felt like I wouldn't last long. I used to dream I'd die young, and now I find its true. I'll die before I'm even old enough to drink, and I've already come to terms with that.

But I can't stand the idea of my friend treating me like I might break. Or the false sympathies of people around me, trying to make up for how cruel they've been in the past to me.

I haven't even told my parents yet. And I'm not sure when I will.... do I hurt them now, or hurt them later.

I just want life to be normal for as long as I'm able to make it be.

Is that asking to much?

Guilt.

I am so annoyed at myself it's unreal. How can I constantly do this to myself?
I knew I shouldn't have gotten stoned, not because I didn't want to do drugs but because I hate the fact that weed makes me want to eat a lot of food.
Usually I try to restrict myself as much as possible so I don't get any bigger than I am now but when I have had a spliff or two my whole normal thought pattern disappears and I suddenly love food and eating. It makes me feel sick afterwards to think of what I have let enter my body. It scares and angers me to get like this. I wish there was some way I could smoke and not get the desire to eat loads.
I don't why I am so weak minded sometimes.

Every day is a struggle to lose weight or to resist the dangerous foods I really hate. It's a massive part of my life but sometimes I wish I could eat whatever I liked and not worry about my thighs getting bigger or my stomach getting more bloated. It consumes me.
I don't understand where it came from and I don't understand even though I've had counselling why it still wont go away. The thoughts I have still persist in my mind. And to some point I actually like the fact I have it, it keeps me sane in some ways.
I just wish I could have the body I want. Hopefully one day I will.

Don't apologize

No one ever thinks I have problems, I’m just too “young” to have problems. They just think... Oh she’s young nothing could be wrong in her life. But I’m not just a kid, I have problems too. My life was perfect, I had great friends and I lived exactly where I wanted to. And don’t stop reading because you might think this is just a stupid “My boyfriend dumped me rant,” cause its not. My life turned to Hell on October 29, 2005. I still remember it perfectly, it was just a normal day. We were just about to leave for a movie, when my mom got the call. My dads Hum-V drove over a land mine when they were on the way to a town in Iraq...


People always said that you can sense it. When your loved ones get hurt, but I didn't feel anything. He could have died and I was just out with friends just laughing and having fun. He was in and out of the hospital for 2 years 79% of his body was burned. He couldn’t even feed himself. He’s had 54 surgeries and people still say that I’m lucky, that he could have died. But is it really worth it? I had to watch him suffer and ask us to kill him everyday because of how much pain he was in. I was still only a kid.


I don’t eat much anymore. Not because I want to feel in control of my life, or that I want to be skinny. But food just doesn’t sound good anymore, I’m never hungry. I have to force myself to eat, I constantly get dizzy but I think thats because I get dehydrated. I don’t tell any one about my life. People always respond with, Oh I’m so sorry. What are you sorry about?? You didn’t do anything. You weren’t the terrorist that planted the bomb! You weren’t my mom who cheated on my dad then moved to a different country!! You didn’t do anything!


So please just don’t apologize...

anonymous

I arrived to the bar and he was already wasted. I was pretty turned off by this and considered leaving...but then i decided to just get equally as wasted. Last call came around and it was time to go...he and his friends let me drive drunk. I let me drive drunk. it was my first time ever! (and last)
We got to his place and went to his bedroom. We had crazy CRAZY sex. We had only been seeing eachother for a month and hadnt got to that level yet.
The next morning I went home. He called me the next day but I didn't hear from him after that. He was gone.
Hit and run.

Life

I’m terrified to begin my life. I know its technically already started but when you become an adult its truly the beginning. What kind of person do I want to become? Where should I live? What should I do and for that matter avoid? I am like a blank canvas. How should I paint it?

The idea of looking back and wishing I had done things differently is terrifying. I have let others guide me, in hopes that since they have done this before, they will help me not make mistakes. But now I look back at the past year of my life and wonder what, if anything, have I accomplished? If anything I am worse off now then last summer. I have scared myself into a reclusive, pathetic life.

Yesterday

Yesterday was my 21st birthday. The big two-one. Now I can legally drink... if I could stand the taste of alcohol and my medications wouldn't cause my liver to implode if I drink enough alcohol. I am transgendered. I knew when I was seven but neither came out nor tried to 'fix' it until I was twenty years old. After my 'mother' abandoned my father and I for her new fuckbuddy she found on her anniversary trip to Hawaii. I hate him. He scared me when I was younger. I am scared of everyone.

Yesterday, I worked an eight hour shift, and felt the familiar pain, hatred, and fear every time I was called 'sir' and 'he'. My co-workers are adjusting to my new name and I hate them because they aren't doing it fast enough. I'm such a bitch. After work, I went to a concert in Tacoma, changing in the bathroom. I ignored the birthday cake that was in the break room; I don't know why. I was silent the whole trip to the concert, and for the whole concert. I was miserable. I saw all those people having fun and enjoying themselves and I felt familiar pangs of envy. I wish I could have fun, or laugh, or enjoy myself.

Yesterday, I cried in the shower when I got home. Well, specifically, I mentally lambasted myself to attempt to cry. It didn't work. It never does. I'm so emotionally guarded that I cannot cry even when I am alone.

Yesterday, I came out to one of my close internet friends. He was unsurprised and supportive. Everyone is supportive. I hate that. I think I want to be attacked because it would mix things up and maybe kill me. I think I deserve to die. Everyone tells me that I'm smart and funny and attractive and will do well but I think they're lying. I think everyone is lying to me. I hate myself for thinking that.

Yesterday, my boyfriend convinced me that I should go on antidepressants again. I was on them for a month last time and quit because I was feeling better. I'm kind of dumb. He told me this because I was trying to make myself have an emotional breakdown on my 21st birthday. He told me this because I am consumed with self-loathing and depression, but not suicidal anymore. I wish I'd finished the job when I was. I wish I was never born, or died when I spent a week in the intensive care after being born. I wish a doctor made a mistake.

Yesterday was my 21st birthday.

Happy Birthday, me.

To That Certain Someone

To that certain someone in suk.soi 4


Out of hundred emails I got from my ad here, you were the only one that I chose to meet. I had sex with you on the first night because I wanted you. And the morning after, over the coffee, you told me you fancy someonelse who had a sugar daddy that you spent a short holiday with few weeks ago, besides you have not got over with your ex who you had been with over 10 years. I had to keep my mouth shut, never express how I envious those 2 women.

We met again a week later. I did help you sorting your things at my best. Until I found out that you knew my ex and believe that he had cheat on me for while. I could not do anythingelse but cry. Its not that I want him back but sorry for myself for my years of dedication to him. You were so kind. You comforted me like I have never had before. To me, this is basic foundation of my ideal relationship, the ability to comfort, to support and really care about someone.I went back home with the hope that maybe there would be something fruitful for us. I once thought maybe you even liked me.

But my day dream was shattered when I got the wrong sms, that you supposed to send it to your other fling, saying how much you missed her. You miss that bimbo not this decent girl here who likes u. How do I support to feel?

A long email apology from you arrived the next day. I should have just relaxed and accepted it. But my ego did not let me. I wrote back with the most killing words to your ego. I told you that I slept with you coz I wanted someonelse. You were being used and all that. It is not all true. I fancy him .. yes but I did not sleep with you because I wanted a replacement. I think you are far much better person than anyone I met in a long time. I just act out saying that from my jealousy. that’s all.

Oh boy.. what have I done? I am childish. I am shallow. I just cannot cope with your rejection and I re act to it in destructive way.

I would not mind at all if these last week I had not been thinking of you. But guess what, I often do. I often think how nice it would be to be your lover. We would be watching footie all weekend and cheer up the same team. We would fly to Singapore to see the F1 race. We would just be traveling on weekend to see town and look for meaningful architecture. I would be teaching you Thai history and you teach me how to draw. I would just rip your clothes off the minute I get home from work.

But I think I screw up. We don’t even talk. It is definitely my loss.

Now, all criaglisters listen, don’t be so childish like me. You never who , or what you would meet or here. But we are here for reasons, we share the same feeling. We are lonely and hopefully at the end of this horizon could reach ,we would find someone who we could love, shag, have fun with, and perhaps be loved in return..

Transcription

1. I stopped writing my diary when I moved in with him. I began the journal in third grade, and did not miss a day in nearly eleven years. But as we became closer he became my journal. I could tell him anything I wanted, and write on his body with my hands. At first this caused an explosion of creativity to echo through the rest of my life. Then I started telling him too much. To make a long story short, immediately after moving in with him, I knew I had to get away. Yet it still took two years. Looking back at the sporadic diary entries from that time, I was completely pissed off at him and at myself. It was not a good situation.

2. When I finally did move out, I began an electronic journal. I tell myself this is because I have no more room to lug around traditional volumes... already my collection takes up two mid-sized shipping containers and will probably cost $50 to mail across the country by media rate. Computer files are more portable than blank books, but that only masks their real usefulness. I have to force myself to write now - turning on my computer with good intentions, ending up with nothing.

3. My blog used to be a weekly chronicle of my fabulous life. Even when things weren't so fabulous, I would use it to keep myself focused on better things. My scattered family liked it, old classmates, random acquaintances and a few people I never met but felt connected to when their country's flag popped up on my statcounter screen. But we all know things change. I stopped writing my blog because I cannot face even that small portion of myself. Also, I know that my top two readers are my ex and the person who is a likely candidate to replace my ex. This is where things disintegrate....