Death

I hope she makes it ok. Although it doesn't look good we were told. Dying at 14 for getting a stupid vaccine. Way to go health corporations. Don't ever get vaccinated for anything!

Door

Ok, so I'm in the door now. Now what? I want this new job. What's taking them so long? I'm fed up of my actual job. When will they call me for an interview? Doing all the positive thinking I can do. Doing it like explained in The Secret. Pretending the job is already mine. Thank you for giving me this new position. So call me now ok?

Diary

I was waiting for a door to open. Today it did and I didn't hesitate to jump in.
It will work out. :)

Continuation

We were together again. I was so happy. And it fell down. Like London bridge, it was not strong enough. It was like clay, it washed away. It was like Iron and steal, it rusted away. It was like Silver and gold, it got stolen away. I'm so sorry. Blame me, it's my fault. Don't Hurt yourself anymore. I can't bear it. Let me bear the scars. You have to many. Please.

Work Sucks

I didn't go to work today. I just wanted a day off. I don't feel like going tomorrow either but I'll go anyway. My job does not do any real good to this earth. We just manufacture stuff that humanity could go without or with much less.

Don't know what else to do. I wish I could make a difference in the world.

i feel so lonely and low

i feel like nobody cares about me and nobody would care if i'm gone. i'm feeling so down that i just want to get in my bed and cry and cry, but i have to try and put on a smile and pretend every things okay when its not. all i want is some attention and for someone to show that they care, really do care, and one person in particular. i want him to show that he loves me as much as he used to, i want him to make some effort and make me feel special and like i'm worth something because at the moment, i feel worthless. i wish he loved me as much as i loved him. i want to be happy again :(

I feel lonely lately. I don't know why. I miss the feeling, knowing that there was someone that loved me. She said that she did. But, she was emotionally stable enough to keep our relationship going. I loved her. But, even now, i know that it was hard for her. Hard for me. It's hard to keep a relationship secret from parents. Especially when they don't approve of the action. Especially when they are in denial of the fact that their daughter is a lesbian. And that she has a girlfriend. But i still miss her. I miss the kisses. And the simple hugs. And just sitting in your basement that night and watching disney movies and falling asleep side by side. I'm going to wait a little bit longer, because once you get better, i want to be there for you. But, i don't know how long i can hold out.

Fear plagues the mind and casts a shadow of horror upon the victim. Aggression bites the once spotless glass gem of the soul. And the overwhelmed super-ego must tame the reins of the panicked animal the id has become. How much stress must the inferior take to supplement the anxieties of the guardian? Would punishment to the silenced inferior move her soul? Of course not. But that is a lesson the guardian has yet to learn. Love is the great mover of things, but so is fear. My heart wants to vomit the words: “YOU ARE WRONG! YOU HAVE NO PLACE IN HOW I CONTROL MY LIFE! YOU ARE A MONSTER!” But who am I to kid myself? I know better than this. This is the work of fear. Alas, I have nothing to blame. Nothing to hate. Nothing to vent out this out on. My chest heaves with the weight of sadness and stress. Of despair. Of agony in that I am a cornered animal – helpless and vulnerable to the emotional abuse of her guardian. All I can do, all that I know how to do: is to calm my own soul through solitude and let my mind rest in the infinite comforts of nothingness. And self love. I will heal myself. It is my only trusted strength left now.

To the moon and back

So I've a couple things I need to say.

1. Green Day, you've completely changed me for the better. I now have a different outlook on life, so for that I thank you.

2. I hate least one thing about everyone that I know; I hate that about myself. I need to change that. Forget the bad, focus on the good! Something to work on this summer.

3. There are a few things that I wish were different that I SWEAR would make my life easier. First, I wish it was acceptable for women to not have to wear shirts&bras. (Guys I know you agree too.) In the sweltering heat, I DO NOT wanna be wearing a shirt! Im so jealous of the guys walking 'round town with their t-shirts off and tucked into their back pocket! Then your bra gets sweaty and everything is a hot mess. Second, I wish there were no homophobia. I'm not gay but I'm a huge supporter of gays :) 1 girl 5 gays, holla! And third, why the HELL does it matter how people look. I've got small boobs, so what! But APPARENTLY it's a big deal.

But hey, I just gotta roll with it. I know they say 'YOU CAN TAKE THE FIRST STEP' but Ill get arrested if I let it all hang out!

Peace!

Ps. That felt good to get it out to the world but it's also 1am so sorry for rambling xD

I want to learn from our past & move forward

I love, love, love LOVE. I want to be in love again. When I am sad, I usually assume that you're the only option for future love, it's because you're the only option my brain has registered as the most recent, hopeful prospect.

I don't miss you in that dreadfully hopeless way anymore. I love simply knowing that you are well. When I see you, I still get nervous, I feel self-conscious, I try to impress you, which probably just makes me look and sound arrogant and stupid.

I can't deny that I still have some fondness for your boyish smile and your coy smirk. I will always love you, pie. However, I THINK i can love you in more than a boyfriend kind of way, even though that makes me kinda nervous. I want to learn from our past and move forward . . . whatever that is meant to be. I am comfortable with the CONCEPT that that can take any form including (gulp) a friendship. That concept would require user acceptance testing for repeatable, reliable functionality . . . but I might be open to it.

It Shall Not Be

I can't stop thinking about him. I expected time to dull the ache my heart feels for him, but the longer I dwell on thoughts of him, the stronger the longing grows. I find myself reminded of him in music, conjuring his image in moments of boredom. And were it but a simple lust. I feel it would be easier to cope with were that the case. But no, my attachment to him goes beyond the physical. My spirits are lifted merely speaking with him. A 10-minute visit will brighten my entire day. I find myself wanting to know everything about him; his thoughts, fears, loves.

And while the latter - his blinding love for another woman - crushes me, I am compelled to help him obtain her. I would be content to maintain myself as a friendly shoulder of support for his fruitless romantic endeavor...despite the sometimes-overwhelming urge to slap him, kiss him, and wake him up to other possibilities. I suppose my moderate contentment by being his friend and his overall happiness with pursuing his love are more important that confessing and crushing what little connection we've thus far maintained (as well as the connection between myself and my significant other).

I often delude myself into believing that he suffers the same silent torture I endure. I know it to be mere fantasy, but it soothes my soul to imagine him listening to heartbreaking music and thinking of me with yearning; to find remnants of me in the most commonplace of objects; to pen verbose confessions to be seen by no eyes but his own unless under a veil of anonymity.

The timing - oh, the timing - is wretched. As soon as I've convinced myself that I am nothing more than a supportive friend to him, I find a small tidbit that, at least in my twisted mind, is a reaffirmation of his affection. Be it an odd comment (wondering if a girl who can steal his heart has more right to it than one who won't accept it), or the inebriated haze of a misplaced kiss at a party.

If I am to suffer, could I not be spared the basest of courtesies and at least not be left with these delusions on which to ponder? An affirmation of unrequited love would still be less torturous than the potential for something more - something beautiful - that out of fear will never be realized.

2 months until I'm married to a man I don't love

I'm engaged to marry a man I don't love. There's no one to tell so I'm writing about it here.

It's all my fault that I agreed. I spent years dating him even though it never felt right. I broke up with him but didn't find anyone else and this guy and I remained friends and I started to miss all the intimacy. I asked if he wanted to get back together with me, he said no. He said he loved me but worried we'd fall back into our old patterns. A few months later, he asked if I still wanted to be with him and the FOOL I was thought, "You had made the decision to choose him so that means something. Go ahead, you'll make it work."

Bullshit. Everything that bothered me about his before bothers me still. We don't agree on anything. We don't have anything in common. I tell myself that I just need to change my perspective that he's a good man who says he loves me, is loyal, and makes plenty of money. People in other countries get married for lesser reasons.

But I bury my real self when I'm with him. He doesn't make me feel happy or secure or confident. I resent him and I don't know how I'll stay sane. I have thought of suicide in the past and think being with him might make me do it. I can't believe I chose this for myself. Everything I say to him is wrong. Either he can't hear me in the first place and asks me to repeat it or he doesn't "get it." He doesn't get me.

"I'm a man," he'll say as if that's an excuse for being rigid or obtuse or not fun, imaginative, loving.

Every aspect of this wedding planning has been miserable and I think I'm at the point where I don't think I could possibly have fun. If he wasn't there I could have fun. I'd ignore my family and hang out with my friends but ugh - I'm supposed to stand with him and talk with him and dance with him.

I could write so much more but I'll end with this sad question: How does he not know? How can he not see the sadness in my heart and how little time I want to spend with him?? There is no joy in this relationship.

My Fairytale

It seemed like your average crush, back then. It sounds so stupid, thinking about it. But isn't that what's supposed to happen? Two people meet, they love each other, something happens, they don't see each other for years, then they meet each other again and everything works out. Like a fairytale....

But you didn't love me, did you? I know I'm shy. I know I'm a wallflower, then and now. I know I should have told you. But even if you didn't like me like that... we were friends. For two years, we talked about stupid things, like our mutual pokemon addiction, and not so stupid stuff. After all of these years, I still have your picture sitting on my dresser. It sounds so cliché, but do you know that you're the reason that I'm in high school and never had a boyfriend? And you forget me. I know it's been years, and I shouldn't be angry at you...but how can you completely forget about me!

Anonymous

My parents divorced when I was around 5 years old. At first, we talked all the time. Every weekend, we would visit her. In the past 3 or 4 years, we've sent each other emails around once a month and she rarely visits us, then we hear all this stuff like she faked a pregnancy and she was pretending to be me on facebook. My dad blocked her and my cousin because of all the drama, and then I didn't hear from her for a year and a half. Since then my dad's girlfriend, who I disliked mostly because of mom, has become my stepmother and we get along great. I've gotten less shy, more willing to speak my mind, less indecisive, and my relationship with my father has gotten a lot better also. My mom is...it's hard to explain, but she isn't all there. I've heard people say that she's been drinking a lot, to the point where they had to carry her into the shelter because she was so drunk. She's attempted suicide 3 times. Now, she wants to start seeing us again, and my little brother has started acting up again and he and my stepmother hate each other. My parents have been fighting about whether and where I should be allowed to see her. I really don't know what to do. On one hand, she's my mom and even though there's been a lot of crap in the past few years, I still love her.....but I really don't know if it's worth it.

Oxytocin and Vasopressin

There is new research that suggests that oxytocin and vasopressin may be responsible for hard-wiring our brains to bond to others, permanently, for life. This is the only thing I have heard or read that gives me hope that I am not some complete psycho needy, clingy, irreparably damaged person. Next month will be two years since our breakup. Our breakup motivated me to go on anti-depressants and now I realize that there is no pill to refocus my brain and erase you. Like in the movie Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind, there is no way to erase the deeply ingrained emotions. I imagine that one day I may fall in love with someone else; at first that is what I wanted - when I broke up with you, I really wanted to just find someone else, someone that would be easier to get along with. I have dated other people that were easier to get along with, but I broke up with them, because I could not love them, not the way I loved you. Funny thing is when we met I was not interested in you, not very much. I was recovering from another breakup and you were like a teddy bear, you comforted me. I needed the emotional support you offered. Then when you and I had our first breakup a few months after we were officially dating, I could not begin to believe how much I had fallen in love. I didn't even know I was in love. That was the hardest breakup for me. The break ups that followed were difficult, but I will always remember that one the most. Crazy thing is that I can't believe two years have past and that I still long for you back in my life. It's not an emotionally acute pain, not anymore, it's just a sort of "knowing" that you "shifted" my life in a way that somehow makes it hard to go back to how things were before I met you. I just want to return to how things were when we first met. Sure there are many things I wish could have been better. There are ways that I wish you were different, I won't lie. But if I could push a button to have it all back just the way it was, I guess, I would.

What should I feel?

I have always felt like the outsider, looking in, watching the world and everything in it slowly die. I have never felt connected to anything or anyone.
I only see sadness and death. Even in the face of a laughing child, all I see is how temporary, how fleeting existence is, how small we are and how nothing matters at all.
I only see how that child will grow up, lose its ethereal innocence to adolescent corruption, become an adult working 40 hours a week in a dead end job, so mundane and without happiness, and finally grow elderly to die alone and helpless in a world blanketed with gray to be forgotten in another graveyard, surrounded by hundreds of others whose faces are forgotten by all but the tombstones.
I look too long and too deeply at things, I think.
Sometimes I wonder if I know what happiness truly feels like. Sometimes I wonder if I am completely normal and in actuality, everyone feels the same as me and I am no more special or unique than they.
Sometimes I wonder if I try to appear different in hopes that people will notice me, so that I won’t be alone. Like now.
But I am not alone.
I have you.

Or do I? The way you talk about me, the way you interact with me and touch me…you really love me. Deeply.
When you talk about feelings you get when I smile, about how it melts all of your worries away and fills you with warmth, I can’t help but feel a longing sadness.
You love me, you do. But I feel nothing, just as I always have. I feel no warmth in your smile. Why are we together, then? Because I was so young and foolish and mistook excitement at something new – you’re my first, of course – for something more.
And now, I can’t bear to tell you these things for what it will do to you.
You are a sensitive soul, and no offense, but emotionally you’re rather clingy. Not a bad thing, I am too.
But that means that without me, and you’ve told me this yourself…without me you’d spiral into depression and find no reason to live.
I can’t bear the thought of that. You don’t deserve it.

I do think I care for you, though sometimes I feel I don’t care for anything in this world at all. I feel not of this world and of its people.
You are such a wonderful young man, and a beautiful person. But I wonder if you were meant for someone else, someone who can sincerely return your feelings. I am unsure if I am capable of that.
I really do cherish your company, for though I have never felt connected with anyone, I do with you. I have never felt closer to anyone, I feel like you are my other half, ignoring clichés.
It is like we are two pieces of a jigsaw puzzle that happen to fit perfectly together, you are for me and I you.
You are my everything, my world, and I do feel stirrings of deep affection and fondness for you.
When we embrace, I cannot help but feel the safest I have ever felt, a comfort I have never known.
Given time, will these develop into what you describe? You are a year older than me, after all.
If so, how long would it take? Another year or so? Two? Never?
Can we stop and wait for something that may never come?
Perhaps I do feel what you feel, everyone feels things differently.
But is this love? How can I know if I’ve never felt it before?
If it were love, I wouldn’t have to ask these things. Which brings up all those thoughts in the first place.
I realize that still, I am so young. I am little more than a child at 16.
But I am not foolish, and far from unintelligent.
Or do I just think so, like every other girl my age?
Am I, like every other girl, giving too deep an importance and dramatic exaggeration to this?
Does anything even matter?
I also realize high school relationships hardly count as such, they are nothing more than silly little games.
Yet I honestly feel I have something special with you. Can we be something different, something more?
If I am proven to be wrong, so be it. We will both be devastated, certainly, but in time we will grow from it.
Everyone does.

I wish to God that I could be the one who loves you, the one who returns all of those feelings.
But I have to stop lying to myself, and more importantly you.
As hard as it is for me to say…I simply cannot force what isn’t there.

Come what may.

Friend

Sometimes when someone says let go, you gotta hold on anyway.

Sounds a little crazy. They say go, just go. But, I believe that even if things are hard, they still might be worth it. If there's a way to make it work, its worth the fight to get there some day. That is... If you know that your life is better with them in it, and at one time their life was better with you in it. Don't look back and hate that you listened. Don't take the easy way out. At the end of your life, you don't want a list of people you loved that got away.

A Torrent Of Consciousness

Stream of Consciousness
Why are my hands more obsessed with tapping rhythmns and masturbating than doing work?
Why am I so neurotic?
Why do I do so much thinking and come up with so little insight?
How do you cut through or circumvent something seemingly so fundamental to your thought processes, your personality, your being?
Why am I so lazy? Have I been overworked somehow? Have I not worked enough? Did my parents raise me to be lazy? Am I too good for work?
Why is it sometimes so easy for me to cry? Pent up emotions? Low emotional barriers? Both? Neither?
Sometimes I ask questions just to ask them, because it's satisfying. Why is it satisfying?
Am I living out a movie? Have I been raised on movies, and is that where my expectations for love, sex, work, and life come from? How can I escape something like that?
I feel like this is worthwhile. Why?
Why can't I discover what I'm for? Why I'm here? I don't think I need a destiny, but shouldn't I at least be able to invent one for myself? And if it's a process, why can't I get a move on? Why can't I give a shit? Why can't I just succeed somewhere in life. Is my neuroses interfering? Am I just lost in complacency?
Isn't everyone a caged animal? A beast that's been trained and beaten into submission? I know I feel like I am. I think everyone is, essentially, but I feel like I'm the only one sometimes.
Why am I so focused on sex and everyone else isn't? Is it my problem? Is it theirs? Are they and just in denial? Do they handle it better than me?
Do I hide in my room and play video games and watch movies and listen to music to escape my failure? To escape the daunting task of taking on life? Of doing something with my life? I didn't have to deal with much when I was in high school.
Can I even think for myself? Do I need to be led by the hand all the time? Is that why I have gone nowhere? Should I have gone anywhere by now? Are my expectations of myself too high? Am I afraid or just stupid? Or just lazy?
Why do I feel simultaneously better and worse than everyone else? Why do I sometimes feel the need to attack myself, to excuse myself as an egomaniacal fool? Or declare everyone else moronic?
Are paradoxes like this simply true? Do I even know what I'm talking about here?
Do I have potential? Or am I simply an above average person who has latched on to big ideas and big words, doing my best to be exceptional by some unseen standard of my own? Sometimes I feel like I could do antyhing; be a professor, be an astrophysicist, be an economist, be a director, be a writer, if I just work at it hard enough. How does one even start? How do you begin living your life after wading through it for 20 years? Have I wasted my 20 years? Will I waste 20 more? Can I avoid it? Should I avoid it?
Can my thoughts be described as "racing"? Why do I constantly fantasize about living completely fictional moments with women I find attractive, some even fictional? Why do I sometimes see how their names might sound with my last name behind it? Why do I ponder marriages, children, living together, etc.?
Why do I sometimes think of killing? Others and myself? Why do I think about what I might say before a suicide? Why am worried if it's never a serious thought? Am I censoring myself? Am I doing the machine's job: working against myself?
Why can't I get my shit together like everyone else? Does everyone have their shit together?
Why am I worried that anyone else reading this will be incredibly disturbed? Should they be? Am I on my way to becoming psychotic, instead of just neurotic? Am I just neurotic?
Will a shrink help? Do I really have anyone to talk to? Does anyone ever listen? Do I really listen?
Do I deserve to be heard?
Am I good at anything? Do I need to be?
Do I need to be an Alpha Male? Perhaps just more like an Alpha Male? A little more Type A? Am I a freak of nature? Am I worthy of passing on my genes? Should a lazy, lustful, neurotic, egomaniacal yet self-deprecating meatbag deserve to remain in the gene pool? Should I give a shit?
Will I ever even get the chance to pass on my genes? Aside from fucking some random bitch I mean?
Why do lyrics sometimes matter less than the sounds that accompany them? Am I a simpleton? Do I just like pretty sounds and pretty lights? Animal emotion? Is my appreciation for lyrics growing naturally or because I think I should pay more attention?
Do I need professional help? Will everything sort itself out eventually? Without death? Will I ever succumb to suicide or psychosis? Will I drive myself mad? Will the world drive me mad?
Is any of this good stuff for a book or film? A song?
Why don't I like books? I haven't read an actual book for so long. Why am I seemingly more interested in film and music? Am I the spawn of American consumerism, which doesn't lend itself to literature as well?
Why don't I care?
Why do I second guess everything I say? Even the second guesses? What has trained me to be such a beast of inaction? Why am I this way? And can I change? Should I?
Am I repeating these sentiments because I want to, or because it will satisfy the drama in me? The movie-made dialog feel of repetition for the enunciation of meaning?
Is the lens by which I view the world a problem? The movie lens? Can it be useful? Does it have a place in reality? Does it make me interesting? Can it make me succesful or at least insightful? Or is it an agent of destruction, only serving to blur my perception and understanding of what is and what ought to be?
Will I ever grow a beard? Should I? Would I look good with a beard? Do I need to look good?
How many of these questions have I invented for the sake of asking instead of...I dont' know?
How much does the divorce of my parents factor into my development? Am I a mommas boy?
Would a stronger, reliable father figure in my life have had a positive influence on me? Would I be less like I am? Would I be more masculine? More Type A? More Alpha Male?
Why am I always on my toes? Why am I suspicsious of people's motives sometimes? Why does conflict unnerve me so much? Why do I pursue conflict anyways at times? To prove something to myself?
Why can't I just be a good student and worker like everyone else? What's wrong with me? Does the explanation "You're just a lazy motherfucker who needs to get their shit together" suffice? Am I just rationalizing and attempting to validate my failures by suggesting that it's something other than that explanation?
Do I just want to do what I want to do? Do I just want to do things my way? Is my resistance to being told what to do so fundamental, so powerful? Is it possible that I'm just not a "working" kind of person? As in, I want to live my life exactly how I want to live it, and do as little for others as I can? Am I freakishly selfish?
Can I survive all of this? Should I?
How does one escape? Is there anything to escape from? Is nothing wrong with me? Or is everything wrong with me? Or is it some more common middle ground? Something in the gray area?
Is this too long? Am I really expressing myself, or writing this for someone else? For something else?
Who do I show this to? Should I show it to anyone? Why?
Why not?
Should I end here? I'm getting tired and I want to do a couple of things.
This has been a torrent of consciousness.
Was that clever? Fitting? Does it matter?

The Worst Day #1

Boy,
I find myself wondering why we are still together, although I am completely in love with you, we argue incessantly. I find myself grabbing at clothes and edges of tables just to keep myself from screaming out in frustration, I need you to listen to me. When I say something I know you're going to find upsetting, I don't do it to inflict pain, I do it because sometimes you need to know the reason I can't answer your call - my voice would crack and you would quiz me until you got the answer you were looking for, not the truth.

I love you, there is no two ways about that. Complete, irrevocable love. That can't be it though, can it? We can't cover all the cracks with love. My friends don't argue as much as we do, they titter at one another until 5minutes later everything is just peachy. Today our argument lasted 11hours 46minutes (excluding exam time). I wish you could see this for what it is, and who's causing these argument.s Your mother. Oh yes, the terribly cliché mother in law is the brunt of this bust up. Apparently I'm controlling and dictatorial, something I've never been called before. I agree, I do ask a lot of you but there's nothing wrong with that - I want you to be the best person you can possibly be and the only way to do that is to push you to your limits - I'm allowed to do that. I want you to get your job with Rolls Royce, but the only way to do that is sacrifice other things for your studies, something your Mother can't understand at the moment. Doesn't she want the best for you?

I've tried to say all of this to you today, but you've brushed it under the rug, afraid to see what's in front of you. Perhaps you don't like the confrontation, I don't know. Perhaps you disagree with me but are just too scared to say so, and to compensate you disregard everything I've said to make yourself feel better. That's more plausible. All I know is I can't continue on in this limbo argument world we seem to have made for ourselves. I need you to be straight with me, and honest for that matter. I need to understand your head and see your thoughts clearly, as though they were my own. Please help me do this.
Girl

Inaccurate, As Always

Dear You,

My mind has been constantly wandering back as to why I deleted you from my Facebook. A relationship, whether platonic or romantic, is weak if an action like that significantly breaks communication and instantly breaks that relationship. For the time being, let's pretend that this little action of mine is bigger than it really is.

Over and over one part of my mind wants to punish me for making a decision that felt insane and uncalled for. But this morning I realized that it was a perfectly sane way of protecting myself, because I was tired of the pain I inflicted on myself for liking you, for being led on, for pursuing the wrong things, for trying to do things that I thought I wouldn't regret. Now I don't trust myself because of you. I don't trust that I'll ever know even a smidgen of a correct way to find someone who will love me, and who will let me know that my feelings are valid, and that my worth will not change.

So I consider it a good old summer purging. I let go to avoid seeing you move on without me, even if I was eventually moving on without you, too. I wasn't falling for you, but I was always hoping I could pursue something with you. But you told me you weren't looking. I'm calling bullshit on that, because I don't think you really liked me, but you were fine with me as long as I gave it up to you.

On my part, I should have let you know that I'm not like that. I don't date or get intimate in that fashion. But I learned that only after you, and it pisses me off that I feel alone now, but at least I know what I want.

And it sucks that I deleted you when it seemed like it was just fine. You were always nice to me, but I needed a bit more than just nice. I don't think you could have given me more because you wouldn't care, and that's fine. It's just a matter that we mutually spoiled our budding friendship, and now I know that it'll never be repaired.

And so you're gone. I don't care. I don't want to see your face. I don't care to check up on you, I don't want to relive a false nostalgia. We may not have dated but it feels like you're my ex, so I'm right in getting rid of you.

Paranoid Count down to my Final Hours

Hello,

I have always been fascinated with things that don't matter. I am a philosopher of different sorts and love to think about everything and nothing at all. My story is the average dysfunctional mom and dad. Mom and dad split up and I get to meet all of mom's boyfriends. Until I got a new step dad. Though that really doesn't matter in my life even though he can be a complete ass and makes me sad quite often.

My life started very late in life, well at lest I think it has started by now. I don't even know. When I was young my 14 year old sister [I was 8] was hit by a car well walking across the street. Of course yes I do not like cars, or crossing streets but I had also had to take care of my sister with a brain injury for about 7 years until she was back to [kinda] normal. Well she's still not the same but she can do her own thing. Well being bullyed by a brother 7 years older then me with autism. My life was stressed and I know its not as bad as most of everyone out there but

Me, I am a paranoid person and I question everything and everybody. I have friend, but I always questing if they really are because I'm paranoid that everyone hates me and that I'm so fake that I am as shiny as plastic. I hate my looks, I hate my gender, I hate my voice, I hate me and everything about me basically. I found that cutting was my only stress reliever. To see the blood on my arms to see if I could cut deeper the next time. I keep a small collecting of square papers in a book with blood on it and a date to remember every time I have cut. I started about a month ago. I have cut almost every other day.

I wish that my cutting could make me better and more lovable and maybe people will like me sooner or later because I feel so cold and lonely I cry to myself and I have never told anyone. I don't want to go see a shrink or anything I just kinda want to slowly fade away. I do this though I know I am pretty lucky I guess. I have a lot of material goods I guess but, not really much of anything else. I'm horrid in school and with people and everything.

Thanks for reading,
Love anonymous.

Problems

So right now I’m about to move... Of course I tell all my friends that I’m already used to moving. I mean to some extent I am, but I don’t think I can ever really get used to starting my life over and over again. I don’t even believe it when people tell me “This is be the last time, we won’t move again.” But we will, we always do. We always have. Since 3rd grade I haven’t started and ended at the same school. I guess that would just be too simple huh? I just want to move and get it over with. I hear that my mom is getting re-married already, to the guy she cheating with when we lived in the Philippines. My dad tells me that its not my moms fault, that I shouldn’t get mad at her, that she is still my mom. But it is her fault. Why shouldn’t I get mad at her? There is something that I’ve learned. The hero is the one that stays and the villain is the one that runs. And my dad stayed.

Today my mom called me.. She said about 3 sentences to me then asked for my dads phone number so she could call him. I knew she was using me. This shouldn’t be my fight, I can’t have all this stress in my life. I’m not even in high school yet. I don’t know what to do. I don’t think I will tell my dad about my little encounter with my mom on the phone. And when I say little I really mean short. It started with “Hi Sweehe,” lasted for 6 minutes and 44 seconds and ended with “Forget about it, you don’t care about me. When I kill myself it will be your fault.”

I didn’t mean this to be all about my mom. I mean the rest of my family is pretty messed up too. My dad doesn’t mean to be messed up though. He didn’t mean to get hurt. Even though he volunteered to go to Iraq. But my dad always does everything he can for me and my family. He’s got a lot on his mind. And my sister, I don’t talk to her much. But she’s in college so its not her fault. She’s busy too. My mom, well my mom is too unreliable.

It’s just.. How can people care more and pay more attention to people with boyfriend problems when I’m here dealing with so many different problems. My dad nearly died and is dying every day. My parents are getting a divorce. I’ve moved 7 times in the past year, including 3 different countries. I can’t eat. My mom tells me she will kill herself and it will be my fault. When before my dad was hurt she didn’t as much as yell at me. And worst of all, I think something is wrong with me. With my heart, sometimes just when I’m laying in bed it beats too fast. I’ve had a panic attack that no one knows about. I just.. I’m afraid to talk. My dad has so much to deal with. I can’t burden him with my problems. I don’t even know why I’m saying all of this. It must sound like I’m so desperate to do all of this. I hate myself for doing this. I sound so whiney. I sure everyone has there own problems. They shouldn’t have to deal with mine

Sometimes life is strange, I have at the ripe young age of 60

suddenly come to the realization that I am no longer of much value

to society in general. My skills are very dated now. My mind not

so quick to reach the perfect logical decision all the time. I used to

be able to quickly analyze my situation make adjustments and

move on.... a seamless and smooth operation... not so now. I study,

think, rationalize and then act... either too late or incorrectly.


This past year 2009.... I really tried. Do what I know best... home

repairs. Well, hell, that didn't work. 6k later and not much else to

show for it, its now Dec and all work has dried up. So what now.

22k a year to live my lifestyle. That won't work. I eat second day

bread, no meat, canned vegetables, and still the least I spend on

groceries is $30 week.. 1.5k per yr.... 9k for medical, 6k various

other insurance, 5 k for HOA.... oh god..... where does it end.


So now what... spend down my savings and live in my truck.... I

could do that. But do I want too?? not sure?? or move down, save

even more, take the leap of faith I can live without insurance and go

from there.... Ok... I never intended to end up like this. I shoulda,

coulda, etc.... but I didn't. So here It's almost 2010 and damn!!! I

have to start over. Go back to work?? Prostitute myself on Indian

Ave..... naw, that won't work, not much demand for 60 yr old gray

haired men down there..... sell my body to science??... no did that

back in 1968.... move back to the commune.... no, it's gone....

move in with my kids?? didn't have any........ Damnnnnnn.....


Can I live from hand to mouth..... no savings, no checking account,

no credit card... etc...... pay cash, panhandle, sell scrap metal, do

as I did in 1969 and go all the way back.... damn insurance, no car,

no liabilities, no utilities, do coke, mary jane, alkyhal, anything to

dull the senses.... will the gnawing aggravation in my stomach go

away??? I don't know??


Remember 1971... St.Marks FL.... when you saw a man blown

away with automatic weapons fire... drugs... damn.... how did I get

here... where am I going.... then the withdrawal.... $50 a day

heroine habit... gotta get the monkey off my back... cold turkey..

friends... and then after being passed out in the swamps of Wakulla

County 3 days I emerge... a shadow... 120 lbs... no food or water

for days. Dehydrated, sick, weak, malarial, covered in bites..... if

there is a god then let him deliver me now to the eternal inferno of

cremation....


I lived, I thrived, I worked, I never went back, after doing this for

20 yrs a gift.... no, an opportunity.. a new me... a new beginning...

more money than my family ever had..... damn.... gone... pissed

away... and I didn't spend it on drugs.... I coulda, it came to me

without reservation or ... don't do this or that.... I coulda gone and

went back.... mainlining... shoot up… float, drift, life is perfect, life

is wonderful, the world is a beautiful place, this is Eutopia...... the

colors are ever eternal and wondrous beyond anything of

mortals........


Is there a God... why am I still here... I buried my first love... and

many after yet still I am here... Why????.... Is there a greater

scheme of things that I am supposed to be a part of..... did some

power beyond my imagination plan for me to be more, do

more????

Drug free, 60, and done with life........my rope is very short.....


Dec 16th, 2009

amends letter

Dear Lukas,

i was really angry at you for a long time for the things that happened between us. however, since i am in aa, and a christian, i feel the need to forgive you or apologize for my part. so i'm writing this letter. now, over a year later, i get burned up a little bit when i think of everything that happened. i disappointed myself, mostly, by allowing you to disrespect me and treat me in a way that i would never treat anyone, even my worst enemy. i am grateful for one thing writing this letter, though, and that is that i can be completely honest. i know that out of all people, you would be most likely to understand these ramblings and not take offense.

i dont really know what happened to make things the way they were, except that everything spiraled out of control. i was at the very worst, and i'm sorry about that, if it affected you in a bad way, because i am sure it was unpleasant to be around. even now i feel embarrassed about how needy and awful i was acting, and that is the biggest reason i found it so hard to forgive you- because it's easier in some way for us to forgive other for fucking up, than it is for us to forgive them for seeing us at our very worst- i honestly hope you have forgotten knowing me in this state, because it made me cringe.

i felt so out of control, so lost, and so hopeless and needy that i clung to you for all my support, and that's not healthy. i was totally alone and vulnerable to someone like you, to use me and treat me badly and lie to me and treat me like i was barely a coherent human being.
this was a very hard lesson for me to learn, and took a long time to forgive, but i dont blame you anymore for what happened. you happened to be the person to witness and participate in my falling down, but i dont blame you because if it wasnt you it probably just would have been someone else.

i think you should know that things are a lot better for me now. i hope they are better for you too. i am a much stronger person now as a result of what i went through, all the suffering helped me find my faith in God, so i thank you for being part of that even though I hated you for a while. I wish you all the best.
Erica

New Year

Happy New Year's from The Anonymous Diary Project. The project began a year ago and I hope it finds those who have contributed in a better place. The new year brings new opportunities and growth. I am looking forward to sharing more from those that need an outlet. I hope this project has helped you realize you're not alone. I know it has done so for me.
Best Wishes in the New Year!

entry

this is my entry to you:

I can't remember if I cancelled my friend request or if you denied it. I don't know. It just means that I won't be able to send you my letter, the one way to get me much closer to closure. So instead, I'll flow it out of here, not necessarily to see if it gets to you, but because I need to purge these thoughts out somehow. It can't be stuck in a miserable myspace message for all time.

even though this is the first time in so many months, it sucks to undestand how i miss you. it shouldn't be fair, because it doesn't help with how i deal with relationships with others, because it affects me as much as any other dating failure would, despite this not being a dating failture because we never dated. but i've had romantic closeups with other guys and I've come to see that I intentionally sabotage those relationships in order to make it hard for me to sustain friendships (and i'm still too naive to move on from failed dating encounters because i haven't had enough). At the same time I will not place all of the blame on myself because I'll only allow so much self hate. It felt ridiculous because it seemed more convienant for you than for me towards the end of our friendship, which was all too hurtful because I hardly felt convienanced when my hard-made messages were weakly replied. I cant blame you for being a quiet guy, but I also resent you for knowing that I wanted something of an unconventional human connection, but not doing anything about it to make it unconventional or worth my while. I had to give up because my life waited for me. my LOVE life still waits for me because of you, and i just wish i knew how to make the right cure for it.

I've grown some since the time you fully knew me, as a high school senior. so I understand the progression of a strong connection fading out, and I understand that you'd be so past remembering me that this message feels so foreign. A lot of my life is like that., wherein I'm at a school making films and loving it, making lots of friends, looking at the skyline each night and smiling to myself and the path that led me here. it's a peripheral, but hurtful feeling to still remember you. Why, why, oh why has it happened that i've added, deleted you, deleted myself, added you and deleted again, only to give you a last message that I would hope and hope would hurt you because it would hurt me? why write this again? my pride is being thrown at the mercy of my innocent crushes from when I was officially a teenager, all through sending this message. and i need to send it now, where i'm slightky uninhibited so as not to feel so regretful of the pressing the "send" button. I hate it so much. but my pride and m hopeful ability to love others wants to do this, even if it gets a disappointing reply or nothing at all. I should expect that by now, because I've felt so inadequate since this time.

And what do i want from you? hell if I know. I want to talk to you in a not dramatic voice like now. i want to tell you the things i've learned, the people who changed me, the emotions that transformed me to someone who wants to talk to you, but is knowing that the lack of reply is just going to be a whip on my hardened skin, un-penetrable by this disappointmenets. So honestly, I won't care what the outcome of this will be. I've got three films, two sound mixing jobs, one mid-term, and many drunkard friends to think about. Too busy. But you've become unnessary flavor to me. shit, man.

I'll hate myself for sending this, but fuck it. if I have shitty emotional problems with guys i've never theoretically met, then i'll deal with it however the fuck i want. help me out on that, too, okay?

Sorry if I throw this shit at you now. you probably have a really hot girlfriend right now. i'd just really like some shit thrown at me right now too.

the last time?

heroin almost took my life earlier this year. i said i would never go back but somehow i did. i just got over the withdrawls and i feel amazing. life seems worth living again. even the cold winter wind chilling me feels amazing simply because i can feel again. i can't say for sure if this will be the last time but i hope it is. even one day hooked on heroin is one day too many.

Worst Fear

Everyday I see these couples around campus, holding hands, holding each other and it makes me wonder for what reason, I don't have that. I feel so lonely sometimes that it tears me apart. I have friends and a big family but I know somethings missing. It hurts. I fear I'll be alone for the rest of my life...what's a life worth living if you have no one to share it with? Maybe it sounds silly but it doesn't to me. I lie to myself, constantly, saying that love isn't real and that I don't have feelings for someone because I'm so scared of rejection. I'm only 18 and I know some people would say that is so young to be in love but I have never even been in a relationship in my life. I went through high school alone. All my friends from grade school have boyfriends and here I am. Alone. It just doesnt make sense...what is wrong with me? I don't want to alone. I want to be with someone. I want to fall in like with someone, hold hands with someone, kiss someone, laugh with someone. Most of all, I just want to be held by someone. I'm so terrified that will never happen...every evening as I sit on my couch I feel so alone. I feel like no one cares. I dont feel good enough for anyone. It's so scary to think about but seeing myself in 10 years alone isnt so far fetched...oh god...I'm so tired of being alone and feeling lonely. I'm so tired of seeing everyone else around me fall in love while I just sit back and watch. My worst fear has always been the though of ending up alone...I've never been more scared of it then now.

Not Ever, but Forever

I'm not about to leave you, but if you forget to say I love you one more time.. how do you think I will sleep at night?
I'm head over heels and you won't open a closed lip. I miss you and I wish you would come back, but you can't. I ache.
Some things are stronger than will-power, but one day. One day you will be with me, and you won't forget silly little cliches,
or midnight dates on skype. You love me, and I forget that. You don't deserve for me to forget that or doubt you.
I'm endearing. I'm holding out my heart to you, show me yours. Tell me that everything will be alright, because it will.
I'll wait for you. Come back to me. Forever, I love you.

I need an outsiders opinion

I wish I was more comfortable going home.

Visiting my family has become a nightmare.

I love them right to death and im very close to them... just not as close as I want to be.

there's something holding me back, and I don't know if its the severe anxiety I developed from a bad trip on shrooms, or just the natural guilt of moving out age 18. maybe its my bad memory?

everytime I visit home I... look at my family and my house and feel like a stranger. I feel like THEY are strangers. its neither of our faults, its just awkward for me. of course we feel the same as any family would but this feeling I get... lord its unexplainable.

I live about 4 hours away, and visit them atleast once a month for 2 or 3 days. every time I arrive I get hit like a train with memories I forgotten. memories I forgot to feel. you know? like getting off the school bus, coming home, doing absolutely nothing but go online and listen to music, or just find change in the couch to rent a movie. we'd have bbq's and bonfires and me and my sister would play and talk and desperately try to find a ride from point a to point b. I had a lot more acquantices there then I do here. regardless if I was bored to tears, the fact that I tried so hard to make plans was an adventure to me. be it camping in the woods, climbing trees, breaking into abandon houses, random house dance parties, cranking music, and making music.

my parents would get mad if I didn't load the dishwasher. I miss that. my parents would laugh at the things I said, or critique me, I miss that too.

now I live in new hampshire. im on my own. and I want more than anything to feel comfortable at home again, maybe I've found a more comfortable home? I don't know. but it hurts, not overly emotional to the point that I'd cry, but it does indeed hurt.

I think im homesick. but it could be anxiety... has anyone ever felt this way? I'd appreciate anyones input.


please

The easiest thing to do is talk openly and directly about what has happened in my life, so here goes: When I was a little girl I was molested by my older sister. I believe something similar had happened to her that caused her to act it out on me, her little sister. We were both young and naive and innocent, I don't think either of us knew what it was or what it meant, we were just acting on some weird instinct we didn't understand.

When I was in 3rd grade I saw a Maury-ish TV show talking about child molestation. I had never heard that term before and didn't know what it meant but felt like it was an answer to what I knew was wrong but didn't know how to end. Later on I told my mom what was going on and I don't really remember much else about what resulted. I remember my sister was mad at me and I guess that began her aggression toward me. I remember the same house that I finally told my mom was the same house that my mom and sister fought in, literally with fists and all. I would try to mediate between them but it never worked of course. I still mediate between them, my sister despises my mom and my mom is fairly oblivious.

I could go into detail about the chaos in the years that resulted from all of this but I am moving past these things and can't allow them to be a crutch!! I guess you just have to have your past and any abuses recognized and heard in order to move past them. It took me years and years to have the courage- because it takes a lot of COURAGE, to tell anyone about this. I started with a therapist in college, after months and months of knowing exactly what I wanted to say but not having the ability to say it in session. What I finally did was write it down and read it out loud word for word to my therapist. I was always in tears after every session I left, to the point were the receptionists no longer pitied me and offered me tissues, but just gave me a sincere smile and nod when I left the office which made me feel allot better and stronger. I became proud of my tear and proud that I was facing something that was had been so scary and felt so embarrassing and had given me so much guilt. I was standing up against all these terrible thing and fighting back. Those tears were battle wounds that made me feel tough. After years of mourning and beginning the process of acceptance I am finally able to talk about what happened openly and with confidence. I have gained power over the situation and have accepted it as it is. I have since talked to my sister about it, forgave her and begged her to forgive herself.

I guess my point is you have to get stuff like this out. No matter how long it's been or how embarrassing or terrible the situation is. The only way to get power over things like this is to face it directly.