March 23, 2014

This is my dirty little secret.

Fantasy and reality.

Two things that play out in my life everyday. The fantasy of the matter is I am in control of my actions. I have been losing weight and the way I have been doing it is healthy.
The reality of the matter is the opposite.

Some days are good. I will eat breakfast, and lunch and feel fine with it. I can sit happy at work and after go to the gym with energy from my salad. I can do my whole program and then only drink my protein shake on the way home. That's a good day.

Lately I've been having less of those.
Now it's skip breakfast and do a quick cardio session. Either skip lunch or have only juice. Gym after work, struggle threw my program, barely finish it if I do. Have a box proteins shake (100 calories) and skip dinner. Repeat.

Then there are bad days. Days when I have breakfast and lunch but something in my brain says "to much! That's to much!" .  Doesn't matter if it's a healthy lunch it's still to much. Lunch at 1. 1:15 I'm getting antsy. 1:20 I start drinking water. 1st glass. 2nd glass. 3rd glass. 1:25 I grab the bathroom key. Staff toilets are quieter and less used than the public ones. Even if they aren't cleaned as often. 1:30. Lock the door. Put my rings from my right hand to my left. Take of my bracelet. Put toilet paper in the bowl and play some music or a podcast on my phone.
Bend over because it will come out easier that way.
Depending on what I ate, it can hurt. Spicy food and chocolate are the worst. Soup, rice, and veggies some up pretty easy. The water helps.
By 1:40 I'm empty again. Wash my hands. Put my rings and bracelet back where they belong. Turn off my phone. Wipe face and eyes. Done.
No one will ever know.

October 27, 2013

It's Time to Live

Time means nothing when it’s counted by the minutes it takes to draft a memo, the moments you spend stopped on your way to work, the hours until you can go home. Time means everything when it’s counted by how long you have in the sun with the girl who outshines it. Time means everything when it’s counted by the steps you take through the meadows of future memories illuminated by all your youthful optimism. Time means everything when you measure it by the depth of breath on which you taste every sweetness life can be bothered to give you. Time cripples those afraid of being left behind by it, but you never can be. The most you can do is ignore it and wonder why things are different now. All we can do is shut our eyes and wonder why as soon as we do, it’s tomorrow. We wonder why missed opportunities equate to so much regret, when at the time they seemed so daunting. We wonder why time left these opportunities behind us, when we were riding in the same boat as time the entire way, when we could have thrown a life jacket to missed opportunity in a last-ditch effort to save ourselves. You see, we’re all captains of our own Destiny, and why anybody would spend time swabbing the decks of their own ship, I have no idea. But it’s done every day. By those who don’t know what to do with a pixie stick, so they stir a drink with it. By those unaware of what they’re unaware of; those passed over when the heavens gave out silver linings for a man’s heart. I love these people. I love them because there is nothing more I can possibly do for them in the short time we have to impact something, somewhere, somehow. I love them because I know to measure my time by the beats of my heart that give my brain the blood it needs to breathe chemical emotion. I love them because they need it, and they don’t know how much. I love them because they are people—not just husks of humans placed on this rock for the sake of my company, but people, each with their own inconceivably complex web of family, friends, love, hate, and reality, all unaware of their own ticking tocks of invisible clocks. So, while we enjoy our last moments of sunshine, make mementos of our footprints somewhere in the sand that will inevitably be swept clean by the tide to make room for the next moment of midnight perfection, and take our last breaths of the honey-golden air from the world, into our lungs, and then into our blood, know that I always have, and forever will, love you, my beautiful stranger.

August 19, 2013

Wonderful Entanglement

When we met I was getting over someone.  I was instantly drawn toward you.  I never disconnected.  Over the past four years, we've spent so much time together.  I feel like I would fall into such a darkness if you walked away.  If you knew how I felt, I am not sure if it would distance us.  We both seem to feed off of the others' jealousy and teasing.  You get so invested in my cutting the residual chord with my ex.

I feel something between us and I want to slowly, organically explore more with you.  I think you want to but that you are reticent and skeptical of the sexual chemistry - we've known each other for so long that it almost seems awkward not to have already acted on a fleeting impulse.  If past impulses weren't strong enough, then maybe the spark just hasn't been strong enough, right?

Well the fact is that I don't care, I just want more, more of you…to touch, to hold, to caress, to kiss.  I love you so much, I want to have this conversation so bad - the timing is just insanely Never good.  Sometimes there are moments that I feel like I could tell you, in those moments I just want to preserve that connectedness and I tell myself 'this is perfect, just be HERE, enjoy it, don't ruin it - would you really risk this?  Would you risk loosing this amazing person from your world?"  Then I fear OMG, if he finds someone else this could fade so fast and I could loose him, to someone else.

Instead what do I do?  I focus on trying to build my body so that he will be more drawn to me.  I want to eliminate the risk that he'll say no.  The question is whether it will be all for NOT.  The reality though, is that I will be more confident, stronger and more available for others.  So in the end either he will have been a catalyst for making me, make me better - to move on... or to be his.  This anonymous blog site has helped me move on, twice.  Thank you.

June 13, 2013

That's Just Life

 I feel empty. I just want to be alone. I feel that I thrive off of feelings of being unwanted and sorrow for myself. I grasp onto those feelings to make sure I can still feel. Yes, I feel happiness and joy, but happiness is ever-fleeting. Emily, always the pessimist. At one point my mother asked me why I insist on being negative at certain points. All I could tell her was that I don't view it as pessimism, I view it as reality. In truth, I'm desperate to feel differently. Some would say it's so easy, to be optimistic. I try, I really try. I guess optimism just isn't for me.

I've accepted that I'll never be loved. Who would want to love a mess like me? My own family gave up the task, who would do it willingly? There's always your friends. I always feel like I'm imposing on my friends and that they would rather be anyone else's friend. I just feel like a burden that everyone is stuck with. My family seems to want to replace me. They always complain of my flaws (which everyone seems to do). Then, when the topic turns to one of my perfect cousins, not a degrading word is uttered. I am a disappointment. Even though I've accepted that I'll never love and have that love reciprocated, I still yearn for it. A pang erupts in my chest every time a couple passes my view. I'm such a pathetic human being.

I strive to be someone different. In a way, I'm already different. The ways I'm individualized are odd, though. When everyone fears trivial things, the one thing I constantly fear is pain. Usually physical, due to the numbness that takes over once I start to feel hurt. My friend thinks that I'm weird because I don't cry so simply. I may have forced that upon myself. I used to be so sensitive that when anyone would yell at me or portray disappointment, I would burst out in tears. I've seemed to convince myself that I don't care anymore. Actually, I wish that people would be proud to know me. But that's just a pipe dream.

June 7, 2013

there's this spot inside my chest that is filled with this little ball of sadness. it's all tangled up like a pair of earbuds in someones pocket. The more you tug at it or try to fix it the worse it gets. It's been this way for over 3 years. I've hit my limit. i just want to disappear. my un-ending sadness has become a permanent part of me.

June 5, 2013

my head is constanly filled with horrible thoughts that i can't control. I always think myself into bad moods. i've been struggling with this for a long time and it seems to just be getting worse as time passes. I'm only 16 years old and i already can't wait to be gone. i thought that once i turned 16 things would get better and i'd have a second chance to  do things right but i was so very wrong and i wish i hadn't even made it to 16.  Some days are better than others and some days are so bad that i physically can't even get myself out of my bed in the morning, or i lay awake at night and get no sleep at all. I'm constantly overwhelmed by the thought of wanting to die. i don't want to kill myself, i just want to be dead. I am nothing. not important. i don't impact anyones life in a significant way at all. i'm not special. no one loves me. i'm incapable of loving myself and onyone esle that has ever treid to get close to me. I recently was in the hospital for attempted suicide and nothing has gotten better. I've developed easting disorder syptoms and my depression has gotten 10x worse than it already was. there's nothing left for me, is there?

March 20, 2013

Losing my mind

Same old ideas run in my head; even fewer. I want to pull all the hair out of my head and scratch my bleeding scalp with my overgrown nails. Don’t know what is wrong. Just can’t think straight, or write, or do anything at all. Feel like my mind is actually diminishing day by day, I think I won’t be able to perform normal everyday tasks soon. I have been skipping university almost every day since a month now. I either go to a friend’s, stay back home, walk somewhere else or just go to university and not go to class or meet up with anybody. I have no control over it. I guess it did get triggered by trivial events but why does this happen to me so much? There’s a difference now. Last year, even though I got suicidal and tried to kill myself with an overdose of insulin, it didn’t feel like my mind was losing its function. I was just really tired of everything. But now, I am suicidal yes, yet the bigger problem is my head is not coordinating with me, there is nothing going on up there. While normally, there are a lot of ideas and things in my conscious mind that I love exploring and I never run out of it - but since a few weeks, it seems like it is closing down. At first, I didn’t use to do things out of laziness or lack of interest but I always ended up doing them in minimal time when I really had to meet a deadline. Lately, I can work on something for hours and that produces nothing at all. This has never happened to me before. 

February 23, 2013

Sometimes I wish I could just leave

Do you ever get the feeling that you're worthless?
That no matter how much someone might tell you that they care, you know deep inside that no one does.
Do you ever want to just rip out of your skin?
And become someone.. anyone else. 
I've been chewed up and spit out like I was something that belonged in the trash. People don't understand just how much their words and actions actually hurt someone. I cut myself for 2 years, feeling completely in control for once in my life. Before I cut myself I didn't eat. I thought that maybe people only hate me because of how  I looked, but that didn't work either. Last year I tried making myself throw up, but you know what? Nothing makes you feel any better. If anything, you feel worse. It's as if life is laughing at how much you messed up. I don't want to be laughed at anymore. I don't want to feel like this and I hope no one else ever does either. The worst feeling in the world is to accept that you'll never be worth anything to anyone, not even yourself.
The thought of completely disappearing is actually exhilarating to me. And the thing is.. I actually don't think that anyone would notice. No one's life would stop if mine did. Eventually everyone would be fine. Everyone but me. But I want to know that just one person would care more than everyone else, that I will truly be missed. But if I'm not going to be missed then what's the point of really existing when I could just end it all so easily?

December 27, 2012

A hole has opened up inside of me.

December 11, 2012

It hurts sometimes.

So sometimes, you can't wallow in self pity. I've tried not doing that. For the last year or so after escaping a seemingly inescapable domestic situation, it worked to grin and bear it.You can't really stop a large group of people who think they hate you without a huge amount of persuasion, not really anyway. I have more important things to do, like force the spiral into the depths of despair away. It's like a constant battle that never really has a winner. It's all me. You can't beat yourself, can you? People have told me to stop being so depressing, so I act. They always said I should be an actor.They never realized that I was, am. I like the idea of the Mafia. Based on respect, isn't it? I wanted to be respected, I didn't necessarily need to be popular.I just wanted respect. Even if it's unrequited I still to this day have enough decency to not insult them outright for all they put me through.
Ignoring it is a task I accomplish.
Pretending I don't mind is even harder a struggle that I put up with.
But preventing it? No. I'm much too frightened of the consequences to those actions. Sure, I have friends. Three actually, and I cherish them. Living a lie that I constructed for my own safety is not so desirable though. Did you know I faked schizophrenia? Turns out it got to me, now I find myself haunted by the people I made up. The creation overpowered its creator and tested its wings. Now I regret it. I didn't do it for the pity, or attention though. It was so that I could bullshit people with excuses for why I always looked so troubled. No, that was a lie. I did it so I didn't have to be alone. Funny how your imaginary friends turn on you when you try to grow up without them.
And, as any story should have, there's romance. Yeah, I've been pining over someone older for so long, I can't deal with most people, much less people my own age because of how disgusting humanity can be sometimes. It's funny, you think that with mental problems, it'd only affect you, but his unable to predict bipolarity fucked me up quite a bit when I was younger. I still want him, I couldn't even keep a proper relationship with my ex up for more than a month because of the GUILT due to him. Unbeknownst to him, I self harmed and stopped eating because I didn't feel good enough when he rejected me for the age difference a while back. I hated my age, my differences to the people he's been out with, I just hated myself because of one little seemingly justified rejection. For until he leaves the actual area, I believe that this cycle of vain hope and depression will continue evermore. This isn't love, this is limbo.
Worse still, is that I let him lead me on, knowing the inevitable.
Worse still, is that I'll still forgive him if it means one more chance to hear his voice.
It's messed up, I know, I live with it.
And it hurts sometimes.

November 19, 2012

In short, I need to get over myself.

When I look at all of the other entries on this website, and then I look at my own, it puts me to shame. Everybody else uses meaningful words, writes deeply, and expresses themselves and their feelings thoughtfully. And then there's me. I sound like a bratty teenager seeking attention when I write those entries, and I guess a lot of the time that's what I am. If you look past my childish words and my limited vocabulary, though, you'll see a deeper hatred. I just wish people could see this other side of it too. Like, my mom says "Honey, it's normal to feel like you don't fit in sometimes. That's what it's like when you're young." But it's not that simple. I don't just feel like a misfit--I find myself contemplating suicide frequently. Whenever my mom mentions that it's normal to feel upset or angry or devastated, I just want to shout, "It's not normal to want to die all the time! It's not normal to regret every bite of food and to want to pierce my own skin every time I do something wrong!"

I am weak and I am afraid. I am too much of an attention seeker to want to get better. Secretly I want to be remembered as the girl everybody loved and they were wrong to not see the signs. At least once a week I have to leave the classroom or skip class because I am crying too much to be productive. Shouldn't that mean something? I need help. But I'm not strong enough to ask for it on my own. What it takes is for somebody to look at me once, just once, and realize She is not okay. That girl is stuck in a living hell and she can't get herself out of it. But no. Everybody has grown so accustomed to my games for attention, my "calling of 'wolf'" if you will, that they haven't got any interest in my drama anymore. And I guess they're right to walk away. Because all that my silly useless antics do is drag everybody else down.

November 16, 2012

im bulemic

it started freshman yr of high school. when i joined the wrestling team. after 1 month of training i dropped a crazy 25 pounds and for once felt amazing. i have always struggled with my weight and body image. Growing up i was more developed than the other girls. i had boobs, hips, thunder thighs, and a bubble butt... this was considered fat to others... So after loosing all this weight i became obsessed. after my father forced me off the team because he didn't approve. I got scared of putting my weight back on. so i started to vomit. It started off small. I continued to work out and eat healthy. BUT if i indulged in any sweets or fried foods id make it come out immediately after id eat it. Then it got worse. i started to binge on food. feel guilt then vomit. it became a vicious cycle. I now have this problem of keeping my food down. so when i got out to restaurants i don't drink, for fear of my food exiting my mouth unexpectedly. Freshman yr is now 8 yrs behind me... Still i struggle to stop my bad habit. Its become so bad that it mentally messes with my head everyday. Even after joining the military, maintaining a size 6 up until 8 months ago... i look back at pictures and cant believe i thought i was fat. Only 1 person in my life knows i have this problem. My spouse. I wish i could tell my family i need help... i want help. I want to stop...but my father is the type of person who thinks a person has enough power to stop any bad habit on their own...if he only knew how wrong he is...

October 18, 2012

My story


####
I had began the year with an optimistic attitude, I was ambitious and I had every intention to do everything that I could, and make the most of the next four years. My best friend had just moved back into my city and everything, as always, was flawless. Everything in my life up to that point...was perfect... I don't know why that had always bothered me, perhaps because no one remembers the ordinary people, unless you suffer, everyone sees you as a bitch that has everything handed to them. Spoiled brat. I was seen however, differently. People looked at me like a ditz, like the go-lucky carefree girl that everyone could go to for anything. It was nice, knowing that people could come to me and tell me about their lives that they deserve to complain about. It distracted me from going to my own corner of self-pity, it made me know that I have nothing to complain about and I must be grateful for what I have. 
But being the bridge to hold everyone up...was hard...
I was falling, I couldn't help it, I couldn't talk to anyone because all those that I trusted were already so busy with their own lives and problems, if I added mine, who knows what would have happened. I couldn't tell my parents, because quite frankly, I had no idea what to tell them. I was stir-crazy within my mind. I started cutting, that gave me a release at the time. Most people start cutting to try and heal themselves from pain...I wanted some. As masochistic and crazy as it may sound, I couldn't stand being little miss perfect, I could not live a normal picture-perfect life anymore, it was driving me mad! However, my best friend saw my scars. I ran before he could say anything, I didn't know what to do. I went to the girls restroom and just locked myself in a stall. I was hyperventilating, and hiding from whatever I had to face. After my little panic episode, I returned to class, well aware of the fact that if I didn't, I would only make things worse, and at that point, that was the last thing I needed. I made no sense, this I know, but I was afraid, and young, and naive. Three months passed, he never said a word to me. I was getting fed up, I couldn't handle being ignored and tossed aside whenever it just wasn't convenient for me to be his friend... So I sent him a letter...
"What is it? Am I ugly? Am I just too strange? Do you hate me because I’m different than the other people here? I’m not trying to be rude, I just need to understand. You’re fine with other people, other girls. Why am I so different? Is it because of the mistakes I've made? It was your fault I did it in the first place. You were ignoring me at all costs and I tried to change for you, I did! But no matter what I did, nothing was good enough. I finally just figured that I’m just not good enough. I’m too ugly, so I dyed my hair and started wearing makeup. I wasn't smart enough, so I tried harder in school. I was too boring, so I took some risks. Then after everything else failed, I just decided that if I wasn't good enough to be your friend, then I just don’t belong here. I didn't want to exist without you. Now it’s happening again. You say I can talk to you but I can’t, you’ll judge me. You say that I’m your friend and you like to be with me. Will you please just stop with all the lies? If you really are my friend, prove it. There was one day that we hung out at lunch, only one day. It was the best day of my life. But now, I can see you don’t want me in your life. We ride together in the morning and we ride back after school, you talk to me then, when nobody else is around. Why though? I didn't think friendship had an expiration date. Apparently now, it does. I know you think that I’m the one starting this, but I just can’t take it anymore. The neglect, the banishment from the paradise that was your circle of friends, it’s driving me crazy. I just need one answer. What did I do that was so terrible? I know I’m not sweet like --------. I know I’m not funny like -----. I understand that I’m not really pretty either, but you were fine with it before! I guess what I did was unforgivable. But I thought you said you would help me. I thought you said you would be there for me. I thought you said that you would be there when I needed you. I tried to rescue our friendship, but all of my attempts have failed. You don’t respect me; you don’t want me to be seen with you, and now, I'm done."
Over-dramatic? Yes.
Unnecessary? Yes.
Regret? Not at all.
From then on, things had gotten better, he was talking to me, he told me things about himself that no one else knew, and I was happy being the keeper of secrets once again. But of course, we did drift after that once more. I was miserable still but I didn't want to lash out again, I didn't want to cause drama and be this person that everyone else thought couldn't take a joke. But with that came a price, no one took me seriously... No one ever does...
Happy girl is the one to go to, she'll make you smile and laugh, don't worry, it's fine to walk over her, she likes it. 
No, happy girl does not...

#####
I began the year with a new circle of friends but the same optimism from the year before, I wanted to prove myself, redeem myself from last year. As far as my relatives knew, I was just a lazy student who couldn't get off Facebook. I was doing well...for about two weeks. Then as the cycle ran it's course, more and more people began confiding in me. I had been up every single night talking someone out of suicide, being someone's shoulder to cry on, and helping to mend all the broken hearts that found their way into my life. Sleepless nights turned into sleepless weeks and months went by relentlessly without any break. I didn't mind listening to a few close friends, being there for those that needed me, but things were getting out of hand, and this time, I did have my own issues to worry about.
I fell in love...with a girl...
She was so perfect, she was funny, energetic, beautiful, and into all the same things I was. I adored her, I would have put her up on a pedestal and worshiped her if I could. She was everything to me. But every night, she cried, and she cried on my shoulder about my best friend not loving her back...
One night, she wanted to die. She said that she wasn't good enough for him so she didn't feel good enough for anyone. She wanted to starve herself, she wanted to change everything about her just for him, so finally I snapped and shouted, "Maybe there's already someone that loves you just the way you are!".
And that was the night I was in my first relationship, with my first love. Some may think that fifteen is far too young to determine these things, but when you experience it, the way it feels is unarguable. It's exciting, it's euphoric, it's new, and that was something I wanted like a drug. Just having something new. She was everything I dreamed of...she was the center of my universe.
But then it all came crashing down. I began to realize that while I adore her, and she depended on me, I was nothing more than a therapist to her...she said she loved me and said she needed me, but not once did she seem proud to say that I was hers. After finding out that she was still pining for my best friend, I decided that we should take a break and try again after we grew up some more. 
I never cried more in my life until that moment. 
Along the way, I did meet someone else, a boy this time, he was funny, handsome, charming, and talented. It was nice, but he lived quite a ways away and communication was difficult when we were both so busy...so eventually that ended as well, but that was mutual.

###
I came home from school because of my depression, I was feeling worthless, I wanted to go home and die. I called my mom to see if she could pick me up early and she said I had to wait until after school because she had a meeting. Once the day had ended, she took me home, telling me along the way how much trouble was awaiting me at home. My grades had come in, and by the looks of it, they were very bad. I opened the door to my father shouting in my face telling me that there is no excuse and I have to try harder, my future was gone. He said that by calling home I'm the reason that my mom was having difficulties finding a full-time job, and I was giving her a bad reputation by making her leave. And he was right...
He took my phone, the only connection I had to her, my angel that would save me every time I fell, and sent me to my room.
At the time, I had been passionate about sewing, I had been working on a ballgown for three months, and it was almost done, it was gorgeous. Royal blue and white silk with a petticoat beneath...it was the most stunning art I had ever created...
And there it was, on my floor ripped to shreds.
I didn't know why I destroyed the things I loved when I was angry or upset, but I just did...
I looked up at the ceiling fan and decided that it wouldn't work.
I went to the bathroom, there I found it, my solution. I began swallowing every last one of my ADHD pills, and after forty, I was feeling faint. I went to my mother's room, a sobbing mess and told her that for the past three years, I have been contemplating suicide. She began to try and talk therapist to me, but then I simply shook my head and said that I had done a bad thing. She rushed downstairs with me and we made our way out to the car, my dad yelling at both of us, accusing me of faking it for attention and trying to get out of my punishment. It was a rational argument, and for all he knew, I was lying about that too. However, my mom refused to risk it and drove me to the Emergency room. In the course of 8 hours, I had thrown up more than I did in the past year, and because of the stimulants, I absolutely would not shut up. I was panicking about my fear about my father's rage one moment, and singing a Disney song the next. All I knew was that more than anything, I loved my mom, and without her being there, I don't know what I would have done. 
The doctors explained that "sad patients", as they called us, would be on a 72-hour hold (or a 51-50) in a mental-health rehabilitation facility. I was so afraid, I didn't want to leave my mom, she was crying and trying so hard to stay strong for my sake, but before me I saw her crumbling.
That feeling, was the most awful thing I ever could have suffered. I saw the closest person to me, the one I loved the most, reduced to a weak, trembling shell of a person, grieving me before I was even dead. I saw my mother mourning my loss...even though I hadn't died...
That reality, that horrible pain I caused my family, that's what has been keeping me alive for the past year. Never do I want them to have to endure something like that ever again... And even though I didn't have friends I could confide in, they were there, and I took it for granted. And that, is my biggest regret. I never want to see that look on their faces, I never want to see that pain in their eyes, because despite what I may think, I KNOW that they do love me, and that I am important. 

I matter...to someone...

I mean something...

Maybe...just maybe...

There's a place for me...

I could be someone...

I might even have a future...

-ANONYMOUS

October 3, 2012

I seriously hate my life right now

Yesterday I fasted. Ate nothing all day. I almost broke, but I chugged water, filled myself up for the moment, and kept going. I was so proud of myself. Today, I had a small breakfast and was happy that I was able to stop myself there. But my mom had to pack me a lunch. I was planning to throw it away as soon as I got to school but then I noticed that there were Girl Scout Thin Mints in there, which are few and far between in our household. It seemed a crying shame to toss them, so I figured it wouldn't hurt to just eat the darn cookies. Yeah, that got out of control real fast. I managed to scarf down my PB&J sandwich too, all in about five minutes' time. I then cried for the next hour, which caused me to get behind on my schoolwork by missing class.... That is, even more behind than I already am. So I've been crying on & off all day now, and it's 7 at night. I am really not up for school tomorrow, so I figured I'd ask my mom if I can skip it. Yeah, shouldn't have even bothered with that one. It would only help me catch up, because we waste so much time at school anyway, but no. What the fuck. I've been having minor suicidal thoughts lately. Hope to god I never act on them. I wish I could grow up faster. Good luck to me. :( I hate my life.

September 11, 2012

On the brink of an eating disorder

Not eating makes me happy. I don't necessarily like the feeling of being hungry, but it tells me "You're getting prettier! Good job!" I would do anything, as I am exhibiting now, to step on the scale and be just a pound lighter. It's tangible evidence that I am beautiful, strong, and an independent woman. But--I'll be honest here--every time I turn down a bite to eat, I know how much I am missing out on. Eating is fun! I can't decide which side to take: Either the calorie-counting demon inside of me that wants to be skinny and perfect and beautiful, or the one that wants to live life to the fullest, even if it means weighing 102.2 lbs or more. And another factor is that every time I take a tiny bite, spit it out, and wash it down with water, I feel like I am getting attention. Probably true, but not the kind of attention that anybody should ever be striving to get.

September 6, 2012

Lonely Traveler

I am always listening to music. I bring my ipod with me where ever I go or I will have my laptop playing while I get dressed or brushing my teeth.. Whatever the case may be.. I'm always happy listening to music but as soon as the song ends I feel extremely lonely, its a weird feeling because as soon as the next song starts I'm happy again. This feeling really hurts my heart.

An emotional introspection

There is a point in everyone's life where they sit there and think "how did I get here?". Full well knowing exactly how they did. But the question isn't really about how it is that they physically got there, it's more about the states of mind they experienced on the way there. Moods change all the time. So much that what seems like a great idea one minute, is absolutely absurd the next. When It comes down to it, my personal introspective journey at the moment is completely relationship based. I wonder why one moment I can't fathom a life spent with one person, then soon enough I can't imagine it without them. My emotions seem to be in a constant tug-of-war with each other.  Constantly at odds and and circumventing my logical thought process. When I look at my situation analytically I find myself sad that a person that I once regarded as my other half, being the person that I have projected all of my insecurities and frustrations on. It's horrible to see the degradation of a once overly happy couple to the resent-filled, and caddy people we have become. I see it as an upsetting eventuality to any untended union. We had so much potential, and we're regarded as one of those couples that "couldn't fail". Maybe that's one of the reasons we did. Maybe just having so much confidence from other people built a shield around the idea of "us". Then after her first and only infidelity that I know of, she realized that she could have the passion she needed with someone else, but not the love. And that's why we broke. I desperately wanted to forgive her, because I still loved her. But as with everything in life, it's not that easy. I have loved her for so long I can't pinpoint when it really happened. And I still do. I know she loves me too. Although we may never be together again, we will be tied together in some way forever. That's the way it is with true love. It's beautiful and it's loathsome. It's the best thing in life and it's the worst. She will move on, find someone to love again. And I hope she does. She's an amazing person. I will move on and find someone as well. I know I'm a good person deep down. I know though that I have to learn to forgive, because if I don't I know that my issues will superimpose themselves onto every relationship I will have. I'm so scared to move on though. I'm scared that I won't find someone who fit so well in my heart. Someone I won't fall in love with every time I see them fast asleep and peaceful. My logical mind tells me that, of course, I will. Even so, I worry that I won't be emotionally available to make the most of it. Who knows how Long it will be before I can think of that anyway? I believe that I need to become a better person, capable of dealing with what love really is before I'm able to actually feel it like I did previously. I need to. There is nothing else in life I can't provide for myself. I'm fully independent with everything that I can be. I have ideas and plans and goals for my life. I have ways to achieve them all. But I still feel like a whole half of my life is missing. That all the achievements and experiences I will obtain and go through will be half of what I really need. Companionship, therefore, Is now a goal. I wonder if maybe someday I will be ready for her again. Fully emotionally prepared to take her into me. Let her in. As I know I didn't before. She deserved better than to be kept on the outside, like I did. She let me know everything. Even the things I shamefully ridiculed her for. If anything, I hope she is happy. I hope she can find someone to make her as happy as she deserves. Just as much as I hope I can find happiness. No one really knows whether or not there is just one person out there for them. In so many ways I hope that is true, but in so many ways I hope it's not. What if that person has come to me already and I've ruined it? And along with that any chance to complete myself. The thought terrifies me. What if I just didn't work hard enough? God knows she was willing to try. So why did I give up? I know that I couldn't handle the problems that we kept having. Not because of the severity, (though I can't discount that they were at times severe) but because of the frequency, and the rate at which they escalated. Two people who kept trying and trying but made no progress.. It was maddening in a way, but in another it was admirable. I admire how even as it got to its worst she kept wanting to try. I don't know if it's because she was scared for the same reasons as me or because she really believed we could work. Even now I believe that we could work. Not at this moment. Not until I figure out the intricacies of my grief and pain. Not until I learn to love and be loved. But in all likelihood by then she will be loving, and being loved by someone who deserves her affection. I don't look forward to the pain I will surely feel when I see her with someone else. Looking at each other, like we used to look at each other. But it's a pain that is necessary to grow. I know I can't run from it for long. A man needs to face his problems head on, not run. I will face my problems head on. I will face my demons with an unwavering faith that things will work out. I have to. Because without hope, we are all doomed to a life of low expectations and therefore shall never receive the gift of true happiness. It is true to say that hope is the mother of failure. But hope is also the mother of accomplishment, redemption, happiness and many other of the greatest feelings in life. To shun hope so as not to feel the sting of failure and disappointment is to purposely give your life no meaning. When it really comes down to it, we are here now. We are living life now. We can never feel true happiness without the memory of true pain. We will never appreciate what we have unless we remember what it was like when we didn't have it. And if something can make you feel so happy, if even for a small time, then make you feel so terrible, that happiness must be the goal again. And if that terrible feeling  is because of something so happy, so meaningful, then that terrible is in its own way beautiful.

Good Day

I don't see very many happy entries here, so I'll make one. Today was a pretty good day. I woke up exhausted. Don't know why since I got considerably more sleep than usual. Then on the bus to school the radio was blasting so I could barely hear my iPod. Started crying during the fire drill. When I got home I almost slipped into a binge--ate considerably more calories than I would have liked to, but at least I stopped myself before it got entirely out of control. Normally when all the little things go wrong this way I have a complete meltdown, but today was different. I just shrugged it off, took a nap, started working on my homework. Happy happy day!

August 23, 2012

This self-diagnosed depression is getting worse. During the summer it was tolerable, but now the first day of school and I'm already overwhelmed. Recently I've had so many thoughts about doing drugs, or stealing from my parents' stash of alcohol. Or the most recent one, having sex to make it feel better. Every time I get too full all I can think of is to puke myself back up into the toilet, but of course I'm too scared and too much of a goody two-shoes to do anything. I have too much to lose. So, instead, I stay here and wallow in my own misery. Not much of a better alternative. I don't know what much else to do because my parents think it's just "normal teenager phase" or however they worded it, and Mr. ##### is the only one who really took me seriously. Too bad I don't have him as a teacher anymore. He was somewhat of a god in my eyes, the best teacher that ever walked the earth and one who would always be willing to listen. I don't know what to do.

August 13, 2012

Invisible

It's like I don't matter at all. After so many years of not being able to see someone who once was ''your girl'' you'd think I be important, even a little bit. No, everyone else is always more important than little ol' me. I'm always in the wrong, always just a downer. And they all wonder why I'd rather be with my foster family than my real family. Over it all.

August 7, 2012

Back to work

I have to go back to work tomorrow after a 3 week vacation and I really don't feel like it. I'm scared. Really worried. I have to give a course thursday and I've never done that. I'm not prepared either, it's a last minute thing. I think it's going to be shitty. :(

July 27, 2012

I should shut up and get on with my life and stop doing stupid things for attention

What in the HELL is wrong with me? I was tolerable on the fatigue and the crying, but anorexia? Really? I am such an attention whore, if you'll excuse the language. I'm "fighting" this but I think it's just a facade so I can feel sorry for myself, just another reason for me to cry. I hope I am just a "wannarexic" but I'm also scared it will turn real. But I NEED somebody to care for me and hopefully once I find him I will give up all of these crappy fake problems I put myself and others through. My family doesn't need this. It's terrible for my body, but for some reason I want it. Like I said, I am an attention whore and this needs to stop. Just shut up and EAT.

June 26, 2012

Sorrow

I don't know what to do anymore. My life feels empty, and all my feelings are numb. The numbness normally lasts for a while, then occasionally it catches up to me and a wave of depression overcomes me. These depressing periods last for about a week, where for about five or six days straight I will cry myself to sleep. And then it just goes away again, and the cycle repeats itself relentlessly. I really wish I was better at controlling myself and my own emotions, but in all honesty, not even I  know the reason behind them.
I have been told that I am an 'old soul.' They mean it as a compliment, but from my point of view there are more complications. I feel like I am missing my soulmate, but because I am so young it's not like there is anybody who will take me seriously anyway. Well, that's not exeactly true. There is ONE person who listens to me and I feel like he understands me, but it just doesn't work between us. For the time being I will just have to survive as unattachedly as humanly possible and wait for the day I find my reason for living.

June 17, 2012

Will it ever end?

I am sad. I am alone. Upset. Fearful. Angry. Afraid. But mostly just sad. Why am I like this? I have so many things I am supposed to love, but it feels like nothing. Several nights a week I cry myself to sleep, but I must do it quietly otherwise a fuss will be made about me. Sometimes I feel like I am doing this to myself, though, so I can feel like people care about me. The one person who I want to care, though, is gone. Not really gone, but I just feel like I am a bother to him.
Bad thoughts flash through me sometimes. I think to myself, Just take a few pills. It would be so easy.  I think, The hurt of the boiling water on my hands feels good. Or, The blood dripping from your rough scarred skin would be so beautiful and taste delightful. I don't know where these thoughts come from, but they poison and distort my view of life. I am too scared to do anything yet, so for now I scratch my left wrist with the thumb-nail of my right hand. It is a small movement so nobody sees, but it hurts. I fear that someday I will do more.
My parents care about me, but they just don't get me. We do not think on the same wavelength. I know that they love me. But they don't love me in the same way that I need to be loved. I need somebody who would understand me. Somebody who would hold me while I cry instead of trying to make me stop. I think my greatest source of pain, hurt, and feel comes from the fear that I will never find that person to love me. Until I give up, though, I will just have to keep searching.

March 10, 2012

Death

I hope she makes it ok. Although it doesn't look good we were told. Dying at 14 for getting a stupid vaccine. Way to go health corporations. Don't ever get vaccinated for anything!

February 29, 2012

Door

Ok, so I'm in the door now. Now what? I want this new job. What's taking them so long? I'm fed up of my actual job. When will they call me for an interview? Doing all the positive thinking I can do. Doing it like explained in The Secret. Pretending the job is already mine. Thank you for giving me this new position. So call me now ok?

February 11, 2012

Diary

I was waiting for a door to open. Today it did and I didn't hesitate to jump in.
It will work out. :)

February 6, 2012

Continuation

We were together again. I was so happy. And it fell down. Like London bridge, it was not strong enough. It was like clay, it washed away. It was like Iron and steal, it rusted away. It was like Silver and gold, it got stolen away. I'm so sorry. Blame me, it's my fault. Don't Hurt yourself anymore. I can't bear it. Let me bear the scars. You have to many. Please.

Work Sucks

I didn't go to work today. I just wanted a day off. I don't feel like going tomorrow either but I'll go anyway. My job does not do any real good to this earth. We just manufacture stuff that humanity could go without or with much less.

Don't know what else to do. I wish I could make a difference in the world.

December 27, 2011

i feel so lonely and low

i feel like nobody cares about me and nobody would care if i'm gone. i'm feeling so down that i just want to get in my bed and cry and cry, but i have to try and put on a smile and pretend every things okay when its not. all i want is some attention and for someone to show that they care, really do care, and one person in particular. i want him to show that he loves me as much as he used to, i want him to make some effort and make me feel special and like i'm worth something because at the moment, i feel worthless. i wish he loved me as much as i loved him. i want to be happy again :(

November 7, 2011

I feel lonely lately. I don't know why. I miss the feeling, knowing that there was someone that loved me. She said that she did. But, she was emotionally stable enough to keep our relationship going. I loved her. But, even now, i know that it was hard for her. Hard for me. It's hard to keep a relationship secret from parents. Especially when they don't approve of the action. Especially when they are in denial of the fact that their daughter is a lesbian. And that she has a girlfriend. But i still miss her. I miss the kisses. And the simple hugs. And just sitting in your basement that night and watching disney movies and falling asleep side by side. I'm going to wait a little bit longer, because once you get better, i want to be there for you. But, i don't know how long i can hold out.

July 19, 2011

Fear plagues the mind and casts a shadow of horror upon the victim. Aggression bites the once spotless glass gem of the soul. And the overwhelmed super-ego must tame the reins of the panicked animal the id has become. How much stress must the inferior take to supplement the anxieties of the guardian? Would punishment to the silenced inferior move her soul? Of course not. But that is a lesson the guardian has yet to learn. Love is the great mover of things, but so is fear. My heart wants to vomit the words: “YOU ARE WRONG! YOU HAVE NO PLACE IN HOW I CONTROL MY LIFE! YOU ARE A MONSTER!” But who am I to kid myself? I know better than this. This is the work of fear. Alas, I have nothing to blame. Nothing to hate. Nothing to vent out this out on. My chest heaves with the weight of sadness and stress. Of despair. Of agony in that I am a cornered animal – helpless and vulnerable to the emotional abuse of her guardian. All I can do, all that I know how to do: is to calm my own soul through solitude and let my mind rest in the infinite comforts of nothingness. And self love. I will heal myself. It is my only trusted strength left now.

June 29, 2011

To the moon and back

So I've a couple things I need to say.

1. Green Day, you've completely changed me for the better. I now have a different outlook on life, so for that I thank you.

2. I hate least one thing about everyone that I know; I hate that about myself. I need to change that. Forget the bad, focus on the good! Something to work on this summer.

3. There are a few things that I wish were different that I SWEAR would make my life easier. First, I wish it was acceptable for women to not have to wear shirts&bras. (Guys I know you agree too.) In the sweltering heat, I DO NOT wanna be wearing a shirt! Im so jealous of the guys walking 'round town with their t-shirts off and tucked into their back pocket! Then your bra gets sweaty and everything is a hot mess. Second, I wish there were no homophobia. I'm not gay but I'm a huge supporter of gays :) 1 girl 5 gays, holla! And third, why the HELL does it matter how people look. I've got small boobs, so what! But APPARENTLY it's a big deal.

But hey, I just gotta roll with it. I know they say 'YOU CAN TAKE THE FIRST STEP' but Ill get arrested if I let it all hang out!

Peace!

Ps. That felt good to get it out to the world but it's also 1am so sorry for rambling xD