No one ever thinks I have problems, I’m just too “young” to have problems. They just think... Oh she’s young nothing could be wrong in her life. But I’m not just a kid, I have problems too. My life was perfect, I had great friends and I lived exactly where I wanted to. And don’t stop reading because you might think this is just a stupid “My boyfriend dumped me rant,” cause its not. My life turned to Hell on October 29, 2005. I still remember it perfectly, it was just a normal day. We were just about to leave for a movie, when my mom got the call. My dads Hum-V drove over a land mine when they were on the way to a town in Iraq...
People always said that you can sense it. When your loved ones get hurt, but I didn't feel anything. He could have died and I was just out with friends just laughing and having fun. He was in and out of the hospital for 2 years 79% of his body was burned. He couldn’t even feed himself. He’s had 54 surgeries and people still say that I’m lucky, that he could have died. But is it really worth it? I had to watch him suffer and ask us to kill him everyday because of how much pain he was in. I was still only a kid.
I don’t eat much anymore. Not because I want to feel in control of my life, or that I want to be skinny. But food just doesn’t sound good anymore, I’m never hungry. I have to force myself to eat, I constantly get dizzy but I think thats because I get dehydrated. I don’t tell any one about my life. People always respond with, Oh I’m so sorry. What are you sorry about?? You didn’t do anything. You weren’t the terrorist that planted the bomb! You weren’t my mom who cheated on my dad then moved to a different country!! You didn’t do anything!
So please just don’t apologize...
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6 comments:
People say that they are sorry because they feel for the person going through the ordeal. It isn't cheap, nor said without sympathy. It doesn't seem fair, and likely, it isn't. I won't tell you that "everything happens for a reason," because who am I to presume what the reasoning could be? Still, one day you will have an appitite again, and when it returns, embrace it, not because you have for so long missed the taste of coke and fries, and not because you felt like it was time, but because you can. You are strong: strong enough to share your story. You can do this thing called life and do it successfully; And when you do, the world will be cheering you on.
Don't you hate it when people say they are sorry? Hearing sorry sucks. You want to hear something that can actually fix the situation. But at the same time, sometimes saying sorry is all they can do. They aren't trying to apologize for anything. They are trying to tell you they wish this didn't happen to you. They wish they could do something but they don't know what to do so all they can do is say sorry.
My boyfriend was in a car accident in 2007 and is still in a coma. I heard "I am sorry" so many times I wanted to puke. I began to hate those three words. And "you are lucky he is alive"... seriously??? I can't even begin to tell you how much I hated that one.
There really isn't anything anyone can say that is going to make you feel any better, trust me, I know. The pain won't ever completely go away but as time goes on, it gets different, a little bit more tolerable. Take your time to grieve, your dad, your mom's choices, everything. But please, I am begging you, at some point, please find a way to end the grieving and move forward with your life. You didn't do anything wrong and you deserve to be happy one day. Your dad would want you to be happy.
I remember when I was in high school and couldn't imagine everything not being perfect. Accidents happened to other people was my world. I had my own personal awakening, and pain poured out of me that I couldn't imagine. I would guess that you're looking strong on the outside and torn up inside. You're so full of grief and anger there isn't any room for food. That isn't an analogy. Our bodies physically react to what's happening to us whether it's a scratched knee or personal trauma. Having to force yourself to eat is serious business. There are people out there.... who work every day to help someone deal personally with the trauma life gives us; not your father's pain but yours. When someone dies you have closure, you go through the stages of grieving. In the case of your dad there is no closure, and to top it off it seems as if no one understands. Maybe you want to shout out loud "I wish he was dead", and mean that with love and compassion. Maybe you're angry with him for being over there. There's nothing wrong with that. Our emotions are ours and they are there for a reason. When we try to hold them in or change them to put on the "right" face for the public; even close family and friends, those feelings don't go away. It could be everything you're holding back, the anger, the hurt, the frustration, it's all filling you up until there's no more room inside you.
These are only my ideas from my personal experiences, but I can tell you having someone that is a professional to talk to can help immensely. If you've tried that, and you've been left thinking "what a lame idiot"; you need to find someone else. Just like no one pair of shoes fits everyone, no one counseling professional is a good fit for everyone. Trust your gut. I know it feels full right now... but trust it to tell you who or what is right for you. But holding all this in is physically damaging you. You have a right enjoy yourself. You have a right to have a vacation or holiday and just forget for a while. You have a right to be angry that your innocence was stolen.
I wish you hope, I send you love, I wish you wellness... in the most literal sense.... There are others out there just like you. I just might be one of them.
I will not apologize to you. Life is full of death and suffering. You can either feel it and react to it or ignore it and close yourself off. It sounds like you and your mother are reacting to it in different ways. There is no perfect reaction to changes this sudden and dramatic, but those happenings make you who you are. I bet you will treat your father, mother, self, and anyone else you care about differently from now on.
I think it is refreshing to get a wake up call such as this to spark something in our zombie lives. Now you are different and changed (maybe better maybe worse). For me, it helped me become more emotional. I also don’t take the little things to heart and don’t take people for granted (as much). Every lesson is different.
I just want to comment on what compassionate and heartful comments these previous people have posted..
I agree with them.
Slowly, I think, your mind will gradually and slowly turn away from the tragedy that has occurred.
Just try to enjoy the little things in life for now. I hope you can do that, and things may slowly get a little better.
I just wanted to say that you may be having some severe anxiety issues due to the stress that you have been under. This might be why you are having trouble eating. If you haven't already you should try to see a doctor and talk to a therapist to help you get through all of this.
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