Yesterday was my 21st birthday. The big two-one. Now I can legally drink... if I could stand the taste of alcohol and my medications wouldn't cause my liver to implode if I drink enough alcohol. I am transgendered. I knew when I was seven but neither came out nor tried to 'fix' it until I was twenty years old. After my 'mother' abandoned my father and I for her new fuckbuddy she found on her anniversary trip to Hawaii. I hate him. He scared me when I was younger. I am scared of everyone.
Yesterday, I worked an eight hour shift, and felt the familiar pain, hatred, and fear every time I was called 'sir' and 'he'. My co-workers are adjusting to my new name and I hate them because they aren't doing it fast enough. I'm such a bitch. After work, I went to a concert in Tacoma, changing in the bathroom. I ignored the birthday cake that was in the break room; I don't know why. I was silent the whole trip to the concert, and for the whole concert. I was miserable. I saw all those people having fun and enjoying themselves and I felt familiar pangs of envy. I wish I could have fun, or laugh, or enjoy myself.
Yesterday, I cried in the shower when I got home. Well, specifically, I mentally lambasted myself to attempt to cry. It didn't work. It never does. I'm so emotionally guarded that I cannot cry even when I am alone.
Yesterday, I came out to one of my close internet friends. He was unsurprised and supportive. Everyone is supportive. I hate that. I think I want to be attacked because it would mix things up and maybe kill me. I think I deserve to die. Everyone tells me that I'm smart and funny and attractive and will do well but I think they're lying. I think everyone is lying to me. I hate myself for thinking that.
Yesterday, my boyfriend convinced me that I should go on antidepressants again. I was on them for a month last time and quit because I was feeling better. I'm kind of dumb. He told me this because I was trying to make myself have an emotional breakdown on my 21st birthday. He told me this because I am consumed with self-loathing and depression, but not suicidal anymore. I wish I'd finished the job when I was. I wish I was never born, or died when I spent a week in the intensive care after being born. I wish a doctor made a mistake.
Yesterday was my 21st birthday.
Happy Birthday, me.
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7 comments:
wow ! can hardly wait to hear about number 22....
maybe, just maybe the hate you seem to be in love with would be of better use directed where it came from, which is your anger at your mother for forsaking you and your dad for that douche you hated. it seems it started there so it should go back there.
and be nice to boyfriend. he sounds pretty supportive of you considering you want to blow your head off.
try liking yourself and the schmucks at work will cease to matter.
Don't feel too sad about not being able to drink--it's really overrated. You say you want to be attacked, but you seem to be taking care of that by attacking yourself. Keep on the antidepressants, they're way better cures than alcohol (which tends to make depression even worse).
...and I think it goes without saying, but you have my support whether you want it or not. Feel free to hate me as hard as you want, it'll turn some of the aggression outwards.
OP here, since there is replies.
Greg: Hating my father would be the hardest and dumbest thing ever. The 'he' I hate would be my stepfather bastard who decided that ruining a child's life was kosher. My father has done nothing throughout my life but try and support me and be there for me even when we could not afford it, and it tears me up that we are falling apart, thanks to this whole trans-shit.
And you can't just start 'liking' yourself, sadly. I've tried for almost a decade.
Yenille: Yeah, I'm not sad about the not drinking, but more the inability to have a 'normal' 21st and that I didn't drink because of paranoia and social anxiety, not a choice. And not on antidepressants yet; have to wait until my appointment with my endocrinologist. A month before I move. *sigh* And I don't have insurance...
And, seriously, if I had half as many people in-person offer support as do over das introwebs I don't think I could be lonely. Well, I would, but not so crushingly.
I recognize so profoundly the depression in your words. I too have a history of depression. I have been on antidepressants for 10 years. The meds are to help the chemicals in your brain that are out of whack and make you feel sad and unable to cope with everyday life. It is a real, physiological problem that ,thank God, there is medication for to help so many people. I too at the beginning of my treatment felt better and went off the meds. I was so anxious to stop them. But I now realize that just as a diabetic needs insulin or someone with high blood pressure needs meds, I do too. The pills don't make the problems of life go away, but the meds do clear the fog . You have a good heart I can tell. Good luck to you. And if you have the means, talk with a professional or support group. God Bless.
Hang in there and try to surround yourself with people who are experiencing the same fears and frustions or have learned to let it go. Talk with people you trust and who you know will accept you for the beautiful person you are. My son is gay and he went through some rough times during his childhood. Now at 24 he is back in school and earning a degree in womens studies. As his mother, I love him for who ever he wants to be. I wish I could give you a hug and talk to you in person because I think you will find that there are people who care. Do not fear the unknown it will only hold you back from moving foreward. I hope you read this and receive some comfort.
My comment is about half a year late, sorry. But I want to say that I know what it feels like to be depressed -- *hug* if you take them. And sorry, I support you as well. :P And I'm glad everyone around you is so supportive -- I've no doubt you'll meet someone who isn't, eventually, though -- maybe you already have. Either way, I hope you're feeling a little better nowadays.
i wish i could be poetic. wasnt there a time when i didnt care so much what other people thought of me and the way that things would play out and the consequences of my every action like living in a prison without walls without bars but floating wherever i go however do i get out i dont remember how i got in in the first place could it be that these four sober years caused me to forget everything i knew when i was drunk and high on life and now sit sullenly in scorn envying the people that still get to do what i want to and pretend i am over and pretend i am better than and train myself to sit out on the sidelines and forget how much i have missed and how much i am currently missing out on and it seems there is no way no how no way for me to get back on the inside of life and everybody that has my sense of humor is a drunk.
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