I'm never sure how to start something like this. It seems that most of the time I'm lieing to myself as much as anyone else. Even now, I haven't told anyone the truth.
I'm afraid of how things will change at that point. Right now, I can see how my so called friends truly are. Over the past few months, as I've slowly been getting sicker, they make every excuse to stay away from me. Telling them wouldn't really solve anything... all I would get was false sympathy, guilty friendships.
I don't know why the idea of that is so frightening. But right now, I feel as though I need their hatred. I need to know who and what they really are because if they pretended, I couldn't keep up my own mask.

My closest friend. My only friend. The only person who has never stabbed me in the back and laughed while I broke, brought me out to dinner, and we talked about the future we hoped to have. Where we planned to be in just a few months.

And when she left, I cried. Because I couldn't tell her the truth, and just how much those talks hurt me.

How do I tell them that I'm not just sick... I'm not going to get better. That making plans for a few months from now might just be completely useless.

Its the oddest feeling. Not being sick. But just how... expected it was. I was always so afraid to move forward, because I always felt like I wouldn't last long. I used to dream I'd die young, and now I find its true. I'll die before I'm even old enough to drink, and I've already come to terms with that.

But I can't stand the idea of my friend treating me like I might break. Or the false sympathies of people around me, trying to make up for how cruel they've been in the past to me.

I haven't even told my parents yet. And I'm not sure when I will.... do I hurt them now, or hurt them later.

I just want life to be normal for as long as I'm able to make it be.

Is that asking to much?