I had a diary until I was 14, now I am turning 23. So much has happened. A friend once told me, "if you have the need to write in a journal, it means you have no best/true friends". Maybe she was right. I used to have many friends. Untill so many things went down, that I could not even share the complete truth of how I have been living to anyone...accept for my bf who has lived through it with me and has probably caused half of this stuff. I feel relief that I can "talk" to someone, and maybe even if no one reads this, I will go on with a hope that I shared my irresponsible behaviour with an anonymous friend...
I feel like a failure. I feel guilty on daily basis about everything that I do. Also, I have a crawling suspision that most of the time I just feel sorry for myself, instead of doing something about my situation. In 2005 I went to college, I lived on campus. My bf stayed with me. His friends would come over all the time. All of them had substance abuse problems. Year later, I dropped out of school. Blah blah blah, 4 years later I am finishing school(went back in 2008), still with the same guy (he doesn't talk to those friends anymore) but still with a substance abuse problem. Neadless to say, I have adopted it myself. I used to think that he was the one with the problem and I was just keeping him company...but today I have realized that maybe I am even worse...He is in denial about being addicted. He thinks it will just go away (he has sports aspirations/healthy living/something will happen/etc bs and so on). I feel very helpless. I have talked to my most trusted gf and my mom knows that we have tendensy, but no one realizes it is EVERY DAY that we "do it". Honestly, I am so TIRED I want to scream. I know that there are so many other issues in this world that I should be applying myself to, but wtf is it lazyness? addiction? crazyness? I have some stoing beliefs, I have started to take charge of my life, but no matter what I do it seems I can not remove this stupid habit that keeps following me around. I love the guy to death, but he went to the doctor, the results weren't good, and its like why can I not make it stop. I know I love him, I want to live a happy life with him have children an so on... I can not put the whole story here..too long...thank you if you read and comment..
4 comments:
Oh my, where to start. First off, you are not a failure. There are so many others in the same situation as you who don't even have the strength to reach out anonymously on the internet. If you really love him and he really loves you, things will work out. Try joining a drug abuse group, or getting rehab. It won't be easy, but it's worth a shot if you're serious about it. I don't really know what else to say, so I hope I haven't sounded like every other person out there who hasn't experienced something like that.
I can't comment on the substance abuse, but I did want to say about the journal-keeping- I have amazing friends. I love them so much, and they have always been there for me, but some things you just can't tell them because it will hurt you both too much if they know. I keep a blog as a diary, where I write EVERYTHING... I am suffering at school, my parents are going through a messy divorce, and to counter those two, I have "taken control" and am now bulimic, which no one knows except for one person. My bf reads that diary, and it's good to know that someone does, but even if he didn't I would still write there because to keep it all bottled up is not good.
Hello, I am 31. As a re-covering alcoholic, I can say with confidence that I understand what you are going through. You (for whatever reason) just havn't found the way out of the insufferable maze you are stuck in. For me it meant giving up everything related to said addiction. Has life been perfect sense? No.
I dropped smoking for a wicked bicyle, that I ride sadistic distances, and booze and bars for the lake (paved trails) and group rides or rides for charity, with others, baseball games, instruments, reading great books and poetry, going back to college ect. If he is not willing the neccessary changes in his life now, let him go and fix yourself!! He will come around again and you will be in a better position to assist him, otherwise you will both sink. Good luck!!
great post by katenmicah... best advice you could get
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