I wish I was more comfortable going home.
Visiting my family has become a nightmare.
I love them right to death and im very close to them... just not as close as I want to be.
there's something holding me back, and I don't know if its the severe anxiety I developed from a bad trip on shrooms, or just the natural guilt of moving out age 18. maybe its my bad memory?
everytime I visit home I... look at my family and my house and feel like a stranger. I feel like THEY are strangers. its neither of our faults, its just awkward for me. of course we feel the same as any family would but this feeling I get... lord its unexplainable.
I live about 4 hours away, and visit them atleast once a month for 2 or 3 days. every time I arrive I get hit like a train with memories I forgotten. memories I forgot to feel. you know? like getting off the school bus, coming home, doing absolutely nothing but go online and listen to music, or just find change in the couch to rent a movie. we'd have bbq's and bonfires and me and my sister would play and talk and desperately try to find a ride from point a to point b. I had a lot more acquantices there then I do here. regardless if I was bored to tears, the fact that I tried so hard to make plans was an adventure to me. be it camping in the woods, climbing trees, breaking into abandon houses, random house dance parties, cranking music, and making music.
my parents would get mad if I didn't load the dishwasher. I miss that. my parents would laugh at the things I said, or critique me, I miss that too.
now I live in new hampshire. im on my own. and I want more than anything to feel comfortable at home again, maybe I've found a more comfortable home? I don't know. but it hurts, not overly emotional to the point that I'd cry, but it does indeed hurt.
I think im homesick. but it could be anxiety... has anyone ever felt this way? I'd appreciate anyones input.
please
July 30, 2009
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
6 comments:
Wow. That was odd. I could really relate to what you were saying. Almost a page out of my own life. Except my parents had the emotional and spiritual development of 4th graders. Bless them. And I'm so happy and proud of myself for having exited the box that encapsulated the world views of my immediate family. It wasn't easy. It was very hard. But, in the end I guess I just didn't have a choice. It was either move on or just not be someone who I respected and loved. (Or was capable of.) I had very little contact with my parents for many years after college because I wasn't right in the head, and knew I never would be if I allowed them to continually exude their influence over me. However our relationship operated it wasn't working for me, and in order to get it to work I would need some time away.
And I was extremely nervous. I was nervous that I was insane. And anxious that people might find that out about me.
Now, our situations are different. I didn't hear you say one bad thing about your parents. But the mushrooms, the anxiety, the having left home were the same with me.
I don't know if there is any going back to 'home'. I myself am making an effort to become a world citizen. To have the world and all it's people be my brothers and sisters. And from someone who couldn't look anyone in the eye for a while that is kind of funny. Big dreams, but worthwhile.
My suggestion would be to focus more on the quality of my life away from home and the relationships I have with my neighbors. Maybe volunteer somewhere. Get a job that involves more socializing. Work at a coffee shop or something. I don't know how anxious you are in social settings... so it all depends.
As for your immediate family. I'd guess the quality of your relationship will only grow as the quality of your relationships with those around you. And if anxiety overwhelms you (don't know if it only at home you get it), then hopefully home will be a fallback place.
You could just be lonely, not really for your family, but just for anyone to relate to.
We change, We grow.I think you should spend more time bringing your new memories to the table rather than overwhelming yourself with your childhood memories. You might find your family reacting to what is so important to you now to be a new memory for you too.
i feel exactly the same way sometimes...
well, alot of times.
i just want the feeling of home again.
and i'm afraid i'll never have it again.
so, do i have to create new memories, new relationships? what if that isn't what i want?
Maybe you should try inviting them to your new home. It might be the old environment that stirs up bad memories and you are confusing that with how you feel about your family.
wow thank you so much, its been a while and i didnt think anyone would reply to this. but thank you. things are completely different now, i think i taught myself how to stop dwelling on the past and look forward for the future.
Post a Comment