I have no room to complain. But I do... but mostly to myself as of late. I am trying to understand my life and what exactly is happening. I can remember a time when the future looked so bright and I would jump for joy at the thought of being in my early 20's. I'm 23... I feel hopeless.
I know my problems don't seem like much, but to me they are eating away at me. The past 2 years have been strange, for lack of a better term. I moved 300 miles away to live with my best friend because she wanted to help me be the best that i could. 7 months later i moved back, feeling like i betrayed her (which no matter how much she denies it, I think I did). I moved back because I saw how much she was improving and how much I felt I wasn't. I became a bitter person for a while.... i sank into a depression, gained 30 pounds, felt guilty and horrible and angry and sad for about a good year or so.
I did continue to talk to her... but lately things seem different. She's doing so well and I am soooo friggin' proud of her. I will always be proud of her. But i think now that i see her move up, i am getting discouraged. I feel i should be inspired by her, but it is not happening. I just quit my job about a month ago... now I am so broke it is unbeleivable. I live with my mother and brother, I have one friend who occasionally comes over so I can watch her smoke pot, and i secretly can't stand her because she is so full of herself it makes me sick..
I feel so alone right now. No love, no companionship. I can't ever have any fun because i feel that would be rewarding myself for being a fuck-up. I miss my best friend, but I feel she is making new friends that don't have severe emotional problems. I want to cry, but im so dryed up tears won't even form. I just wish that somehow I was born without chips on my shoulder or hair trigger emotions. It's all good I guess. Life goes on :)
About The Anonymous Diary Project
- Anonymous
- The Anonymous Diary Project is an ongoing community diary where people can share their thoughts, stories, inner truths, and secrets anonymously. The goal is to allow people to look inside themselves and realize that we are never truly alone. Email your story, photo, secret, and anything you wish to share to anonymousdiaryproject@gmail.com. Please mail in the format you would like to have your entry posted or with instructions and attach photos, images, or video. The subject of the email will be the title of your post. Everything will be kept anonymous.
Join our Facebook Page
Health and Wellness Sites
Other Sites
Followers
3 comments:
- call your heath insurance to see if they will cover you seeing a psychiatrist
- start working out, walking, riding a bike... endorphins will make you feel better about yourself and toning up would make you feel better about yourself
- take classes, try to get a job, even a shitty part time one.. bartend... something
- this is your life, you're 23, you're an adult... take control of your life and do something.... you're depending too much on your best friend... think about it
I feel a very important first step would be to give yourself some room. You mention that you feel like you would be rewarding yourself for being a fuck-up, but you need to be able to forgive yourself. Start challenging yourself. Don't give up on that challenge, and if you stumble, get on back up. You will enjoy your 20's a whole hell of a lot more if you realize life is about falling down 9 times and getting up 10. Find it in yourself to steel your resolve to forgive yourself friend. You deserve it.
I hate my 20's too. Felt like a loser with no direction ever since 20 up until now (and even then I still feel that way from time to time at 24). Probably the best thing I did was just spending time being creative, making art just for the HELL OF IT, no reason, totally selfish; and it really made me feel better. I am also starting to see just how judgemental and cruel I have been to myself! Like I was trying to make sure I'd never recover! Now I just try to come to terms with a few things: 1)not going to be in 20's forever, so I have to get to the otherside of my self-loathing and enjoy just "being" 2) this is MY life and there is no comparing to anyone else's 3) know myself and who I am
I also think there is too much emphasis on things such as perceptions of success, career, etc.; you are not your job! you are not your lettergrade! You're 'you' and 'you' can figure out your own success for yourself. Hope this helps; the 20's really are sucky, and it seems like no one really understands that.
Post a Comment