Where Are All of the Knights In Shining Armor?

I think I have damsel in distress syndrome. Always hoping someone will come and rescue me from my life. From responsibilities and obligations. Mostly from myself. It gets odd, melancholic, lonely and dark when I don't have a particular "white knight" type in mind. The moment I lose one to a realization that they are not who I fantasized, I attempt to seek out another. When I was eleven I told all of my female classmates each week which knew young knight I fancied, moving quickly on from those who apparently lost interest in me, or vice versa. I sat alone and dreamt of flowers, kisses, them rescuing me from my horrid home life, and grand proposals, happy endings. Since, the pattern has continued, frantically picking up the pieces of myself each time one leaves to seek out a new.

Now that I am older, I realize that no one is going to rescue me. I am alone until I find someone who will seem like the sterling character I picture. Only to find that they don't really love me for me, or are abusive, or are just downright not worth notice. It makes it worse I guess to know all of this and yet still continue in the pattern of my fantastical and mostly non-existent love life.

The problem with my current "white knight" is that he has been in the picture so long I can't picture life without him. Sure, he hasn't always been in the forefront of my thoughts these past years, but I am comfortable with my fantasy of him. And he only solidified my image of him with the way he said he'd protect me if I needed him, the way he watched my back around guys who had obvious motives, and hug me lovingly when I was drunk and pathetic. I know someday that he will admit he loves me, get down on one knee, and relish in my childish tactics and tantrums. He will take care of me, whisk me away on a motorcycle or horse back or something and I will never have to face another day of horridness.

Only, now I'm at the point of my pattern where I realize that perhaps I am wrong in my fantasy. Yes, he is still perfect, but I'm starting to realize he doesn't care a lick for me anymore. That is the scariest realization of all. I'd rather find out that he is boring, dumb or ridiculous rather than find out he could never care for me how I picture him caring. Makes me sick, makes my head spin, makes me want to scream, vomit, drink myself into oblivion.

I know that this time is different, I am stronger, but I am struggling even now to avoid these spirals over something so trivial as a failed fantasy. It still hurts though, and I long to numb it instead of suffer.