October 1, 2009
Worst Fear
Everyday I see these couples around campus, holding hands, holding each other and it makes me wonder for what reason, I don't have that. I feel so lonely sometimes that it tears me apart. I have friends and a big family but I know somethings missing. It hurts. I fear I'll be alone for the rest of my life...what's a life worth living if you have no one to share it with? Maybe it sounds silly but it doesn't to me. I lie to myself, constantly, saying that love isn't real and that I don't have feelings for someone because I'm so scared of rejection. I'm only 18 and I know some people would say that is so young to be in love but I have never even been in a relationship in my life. I went through high school alone. All my friends from grade school have boyfriends and here I am. Alone. It just doesnt make sense...what is wrong with me? I don't want to alone. I want to be with someone. I want to fall in like with someone, hold hands with someone, kiss someone, laugh with someone. Most of all, I just want to be held by someone. I'm so terrified that will never happen...every evening as I sit on my couch I feel so alone. I feel like no one cares. I dont feel good enough for anyone. It's so scary to think about but seeing myself in 10 years alone isnt so far fetched...oh god...I'm so tired of being alone and feeling lonely. I'm so tired of seeing everyone else around me fall in love while I just sit back and watch. My worst fear has always been the though of ending up alone...I've never been more scared of it then now.
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13 comments:
you'll find someone. you can't sweat the small stuff, and stress over the idea of being alone. i was in the same boat as you, (i too am 18) .. but love has this way of sneaking up on you when you least expect it. it did with me. you'll find that special someone :) or better yet, they'll find you ♥
I felt the same way. And I'm 20... But you'll see, somebody will come along someday. And by the you'll be ready to love that person, and not just settle for them. Some of us just take the long way around, but we'll still get what we want at the end :)
Please, please, please never judge other people's outsides by your insides. It took me 35+ years to figure that one out. When you learn to appreciate being alone, you will find someone. Don't look for someone to fill the emptiness ... that is your chore alone. Be patient. It will happen. And because life is never easy or fair, that will be lost and it will happen all over again with someone new. Best of luck.
I can also remember feeling this way. I was never in a relationship until my last semester of college at age 21. I watched most of my friends form relationships over the years, but I also watched a lot of breakups and heartache.
The odds are in your favor that you will find companionship, but you never know when that'll happen. Whether it's now, or 10 years from now, try to still enjoy life.
I'm 59 and still alone. It doesn't necessarily get better.
I can remember feeling this way too but you are young, a lot will happen between now and when you find someone (special someone). Once you find someone you kind of miss thoes old days of being alone and on your own. Take advanage of it while it lasts, and learn to like it, think of the positive things like being able to spend time with friends all the time or persue projects on your own time. You are more attractive to others when you seem content with yourself. I know its not that easy, but work at loving your alone time, be your own best friend, even when you do find someone they will never give you everything you need to really be happy, only you can do that.
It's funny to read how afraid you are of being alone in the distant "10 year" future. I am exactly 10 years older and alone. And I think about how unreasonable that sounds to you, and then I think how unreasonable it sounds to me to be alone at 38. And yet even after rationalizing it, I still can't remove myself from that hypocrisy.
Don't worry! Love yourself and the right person will be able to see you for the beautiful person you are.
yeah things will get better. i'm 21 n now engaged w. a baby but i was single utill i was 2O so i know how u feel. i felt like the ugly duckling all throughout high school n it sux but god has a reason for everything. u have to truely luv n pray :-)
I was JUST like you. One boyfriend in high school who totally burned me and made me feel worthless. No one in college or graduate school. And up until a few months ago no one at all! So what happened a few months ago??? I guess I finally realized that I wasn't scared of being alone for the rest of my life but more that I was afraid that I would find happiness and somehow screw it up. Comfort is a strange thing. It's so warm and inviting and yet so debilitating. Despite whatever hell you might live in now you know that hell. You are comfortable in that hell. And while change brings the possibility of improving things at the same time it brings the possibility of leading to a worse hell. But remember this...We ALL get rejected and we all learn how to bounce back. It just makes it that much sweeter when things work out. If you are really miserable now (and I know that misery) then what do you have to loose. And lastly, dont allow your closed-off dimeneor get in the way. I used to assume I was getting rejected when in reality most of the time it was me subconsiously rejecting others first. With a look on my face, or body language or what I actually said in words. Just remember your happiness is worth taking a risk for cause if that's not worth it then nothing is.
I used to feel exactly the same way. I'm 18 too, but now I've found my soul mate, we're engaged, and we've never been happier. I never thought there was hope for me either, but I found my miracle. I hope you do too.
hello--not to worry. i was alone, too, all through high school (went to both of my proms alone!). you WILL find someone, and it may or may not work out in the end. if it doesn't you'll meet someone else. have faith in the fact that you WILL NOT be alone the rest of your life, and then enjoy being alone right now. my times a lone are the times that have given me the most strength and insight...don't put all your energy into finding someone, or focusing on what is missing. perhaps what is missing is your belief in yourself...that you will find someone, that you will be happy, that life will be wonderful :)
First of all -- if whoever wrote this is still reading -- don't listen to ANYBODY under the age of 30 when it comes to advice, especially here.
For one thing, we don't know your actual stage in life is (18 could mean College, could mean High School, could mean neither).
Based on your age, what dictates your own definition of happiness is complex, mainly because, at this point, it's based on fear.
No one, EVER, should base their happiness on fear, regardless of anything else.
I hope things are better now, since it's been a few months since the original post.
-S
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