Happy New Year's from The Anonymous Diary Project. The project began a year ago and I hope it finds those who have contributed in a better place. The new year brings new opportunities and growth. I am looking forward to sharing more from those that need an outlet. I hope this project has helped you realize you're not alone. I know it has done so for me.
Best Wishes in the New Year!
December 31, 2009
December 27, 2009
entry
this is my entry to you:
I can't remember if I cancelled my friend request or if you denied it. I don't know. It just means that I won't be able to send you my letter, the one way to get me much closer to closure. So instead, I'll flow it out of here, not necessarily to see if it gets to you, but because I need to purge these thoughts out somehow. It can't be stuck in a miserable myspace message for all time.
even though this is the first time in so many months, it sucks to undestand how i miss you. it shouldn't be fair, because it doesn't help with how i deal with relationships with others, because it affects me as much as any other dating failure would, despite this not being a dating failture because we never dated. but i've had romantic closeups with other guys and I've come to see that I intentionally sabotage those relationships in order to make it hard for me to sustain friendships (and i'm still too naive to move on from failed dating encounters because i haven't had enough). At the same time I will not place all of the blame on myself because I'll only allow so much self hate. It felt ridiculous because it seemed more convienant for you than for me towards the end of our friendship, which was all too hurtful because I hardly felt convienanced when my hard-made messages were weakly replied. I cant blame you for being a quiet guy, but I also resent you for knowing that I wanted something of an unconventional human connection, but not doing anything about it to make it unconventional or worth my while. I had to give up because my life waited for me. my LOVE life still waits for me because of you, and i just wish i knew how to make the right cure for it.
I've grown some since the time you fully knew me, as a high school senior. so I understand the progression of a strong connection fading out, and I understand that you'd be so past remembering me that this message feels so foreign. A lot of my life is like that., wherein I'm at a school making films and loving it, making lots of friends, looking at the skyline each night and smiling to myself and the path that led me here. it's a peripheral, but hurtful feeling to still remember you. Why, why, oh why has it happened that i've added, deleted you, deleted myself, added you and deleted again, only to give you a last message that I would hope and hope would hurt you because it would hurt me? why write this again? my pride is being thrown at the mercy of my innocent crushes from when I was officially a teenager, all through sending this message. and i need to send it now, where i'm slightky uninhibited so as not to feel so regretful of the pressing the "send" button. I hate it so much. but my pride and m hopeful ability to love others wants to do this, even if it gets a disappointing reply or nothing at all. I should expect that by now, because I've felt so inadequate since this time.
And what do i want from you? hell if I know. I want to talk to you in a not dramatic voice like now. i want to tell you the things i've learned, the people who changed me, the emotions that transformed me to someone who wants to talk to you, but is knowing that the lack of reply is just going to be a whip on my hardened skin, un-penetrable by this disappointmenets. So honestly, I won't care what the outcome of this will be. I've got three films, two sound mixing jobs, one mid-term, and many drunkard friends to think about. Too busy. But you've become unnessary flavor to me. shit, man.
I'll hate myself for sending this, but fuck it. if I have shitty emotional problems with guys i've never theoretically met, then i'll deal with it however the fuck i want. help me out on that, too, okay?
Sorry if I throw this shit at you now. you probably have a really hot girlfriend right now. i'd just really like some shit thrown at me right now too.
I can't remember if I cancelled my friend request or if you denied it. I don't know. It just means that I won't be able to send you my letter, the one way to get me much closer to closure. So instead, I'll flow it out of here, not necessarily to see if it gets to you, but because I need to purge these thoughts out somehow. It can't be stuck in a miserable myspace message for all time.
even though this is the first time in so many months, it sucks to undestand how i miss you. it shouldn't be fair, because it doesn't help with how i deal with relationships with others, because it affects me as much as any other dating failure would, despite this not being a dating failture because we never dated. but i've had romantic closeups with other guys and I've come to see that I intentionally sabotage those relationships in order to make it hard for me to sustain friendships (and i'm still too naive to move on from failed dating encounters because i haven't had enough). At the same time I will not place all of the blame on myself because I'll only allow so much self hate. It felt ridiculous because it seemed more convienant for you than for me towards the end of our friendship, which was all too hurtful because I hardly felt convienanced when my hard-made messages were weakly replied. I cant blame you for being a quiet guy, but I also resent you for knowing that I wanted something of an unconventional human connection, but not doing anything about it to make it unconventional or worth my while. I had to give up because my life waited for me. my LOVE life still waits for me because of you, and i just wish i knew how to make the right cure for it.
I've grown some since the time you fully knew me, as a high school senior. so I understand the progression of a strong connection fading out, and I understand that you'd be so past remembering me that this message feels so foreign. A lot of my life is like that., wherein I'm at a school making films and loving it, making lots of friends, looking at the skyline each night and smiling to myself and the path that led me here. it's a peripheral, but hurtful feeling to still remember you. Why, why, oh why has it happened that i've added, deleted you, deleted myself, added you and deleted again, only to give you a last message that I would hope and hope would hurt you because it would hurt me? why write this again? my pride is being thrown at the mercy of my innocent crushes from when I was officially a teenager, all through sending this message. and i need to send it now, where i'm slightky uninhibited so as not to feel so regretful of the pressing the "send" button. I hate it so much. but my pride and m hopeful ability to love others wants to do this, even if it gets a disappointing reply or nothing at all. I should expect that by now, because I've felt so inadequate since this time.
And what do i want from you? hell if I know. I want to talk to you in a not dramatic voice like now. i want to tell you the things i've learned, the people who changed me, the emotions that transformed me to someone who wants to talk to you, but is knowing that the lack of reply is just going to be a whip on my hardened skin, un-penetrable by this disappointmenets. So honestly, I won't care what the outcome of this will be. I've got three films, two sound mixing jobs, one mid-term, and many drunkard friends to think about. Too busy. But you've become unnessary flavor to me. shit, man.
I'll hate myself for sending this, but fuck it. if I have shitty emotional problems with guys i've never theoretically met, then i'll deal with it however the fuck i want. help me out on that, too, okay?
Sorry if I throw this shit at you now. you probably have a really hot girlfriend right now. i'd just really like some shit thrown at me right now too.
December 11, 2009
the last time?
heroin almost took my life earlier this year. i said i would never go back but somehow i did. i just got over the withdrawls and i feel amazing. life seems worth living again. even the cold winter wind chilling me feels amazing simply because i can feel again. i can't say for sure if this will be the last time but i hope it is. even one day hooked on heroin is one day too many.
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