January 1, 2010

amends letter

Dear Lukas,

i was really angry at you for a long time for the things that happened between us. however, since i am in aa, and a christian, i feel the need to forgive you or apologize for my part. so i'm writing this letter. now, over a year later, i get burned up a little bit when i think of everything that happened. i disappointed myself, mostly, by allowing you to disrespect me and treat me in a way that i would never treat anyone, even my worst enemy. i am grateful for one thing writing this letter, though, and that is that i can be completely honest. i know that out of all people, you would be most likely to understand these ramblings and not take offense.

i dont really know what happened to make things the way they were, except that everything spiraled out of control. i was at the very worst, and i'm sorry about that, if it affected you in a bad way, because i am sure it was unpleasant to be around. even now i feel embarrassed about how needy and awful i was acting, and that is the biggest reason i found it so hard to forgive you- because it's easier in some way for us to forgive other for fucking up, than it is for us to forgive them for seeing us at our very worst- i honestly hope you have forgotten knowing me in this state, because it made me cringe.

i felt so out of control, so lost, and so hopeless and needy that i clung to you for all my support, and that's not healthy. i was totally alone and vulnerable to someone like you, to use me and treat me badly and lie to me and treat me like i was barely a coherent human being.
this was a very hard lesson for me to learn, and took a long time to forgive, but i dont blame you anymore for what happened. you happened to be the person to witness and participate in my falling down, but i dont blame you because if it wasnt you it probably just would have been someone else.

i think you should know that things are a lot better for me now. i hope they are better for you too. i am a much stronger person now as a result of what i went through, all the suffering helped me find my faith in God, so i thank you for being part of that even though I hated you for a while. I wish you all the best.

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