Sometimes life is strange, I have at the ripe young age of 60

suddenly come to the realization that I am no longer of much value

to society in general. My skills are very dated now. My mind not

so quick to reach the perfect logical decision all the time. I used to

be able to quickly analyze my situation make adjustments and

move on.... a seamless and smooth operation... not so now. I study,

think, rationalize and then act... either too late or incorrectly.


This past year 2009.... I really tried. Do what I know best... home

repairs. Well, hell, that didn't work. 6k later and not much else to

show for it, its now Dec and all work has dried up. So what now.

22k a year to live my lifestyle. That won't work. I eat second day

bread, no meat, canned vegetables, and still the least I spend on

groceries is $30 week.. 1.5k per yr.... 9k for medical, 6k various

other insurance, 5 k for HOA.... oh god..... where does it end.


So now what... spend down my savings and live in my truck.... I

could do that. But do I want too?? not sure?? or move down, save

even more, take the leap of faith I can live without insurance and go

from there.... Ok... I never intended to end up like this. I shoulda,

coulda, etc.... but I didn't. So here It's almost 2010 and damn!!! I

have to start over. Go back to work?? Prostitute myself on Indian

Ave..... naw, that won't work, not much demand for 60 yr old gray

haired men down there..... sell my body to science??... no did that

back in 1968.... move back to the commune.... no, it's gone....

move in with my kids?? didn't have any........ Damnnnnnn.....


Can I live from hand to mouth..... no savings, no checking account,

no credit card... etc...... pay cash, panhandle, sell scrap metal, do

as I did in 1969 and go all the way back.... damn insurance, no car,

no liabilities, no utilities, do coke, mary jane, alkyhal, anything to

dull the senses.... will the gnawing aggravation in my stomach go

away??? I don't know??


Remember 1971... St.Marks FL.... when you saw a man blown

away with automatic weapons fire... drugs... damn.... how did I get

here... where am I going.... then the withdrawal.... $50 a day

heroine habit... gotta get the monkey off my back... cold turkey..

friends... and then after being passed out in the swamps of Wakulla

County 3 days I emerge... a shadow... 120 lbs... no food or water

for days. Dehydrated, sick, weak, malarial, covered in bites..... if

there is a god then let him deliver me now to the eternal inferno of

cremation....


I lived, I thrived, I worked, I never went back, after doing this for

20 yrs a gift.... no, an opportunity.. a new me... a new beginning...

more money than my family ever had..... damn.... gone... pissed

away... and I didn't spend it on drugs.... I coulda, it came to me

without reservation or ... don't do this or that.... I coulda gone and

went back.... mainlining... shoot up… float, drift, life is perfect, life

is wonderful, the world is a beautiful place, this is Eutopia...... the

colors are ever eternal and wondrous beyond anything of

mortals........


Is there a God... why am I still here... I buried my first love... and

many after yet still I am here... Why????.... Is there a greater

scheme of things that I am supposed to be a part of..... did some

power beyond my imagination plan for me to be more, do

more????

Drug free, 60, and done with life........my rope is very short.....


Dec 16th, 2009