Problems

So right now I’m about to move... Of course I tell all my friends that I’m already used to moving. I mean to some extent I am, but I don’t think I can ever really get used to starting my life over and over again. I don’t even believe it when people tell me “This is be the last time, we won’t move again.” But we will, we always do. We always have. Since 3rd grade I haven’t started and ended at the same school. I guess that would just be too simple huh? I just want to move and get it over with. I hear that my mom is getting re-married already, to the guy she cheating with when we lived in the Philippines. My dad tells me that its not my moms fault, that I shouldn’t get mad at her, that she is still my mom. But it is her fault. Why shouldn’t I get mad at her? There is something that I’ve learned. The hero is the one that stays and the villain is the one that runs. And my dad stayed.

Today my mom called me.. She said about 3 sentences to me then asked for my dads phone number so she could call him. I knew she was using me. This shouldn’t be my fight, I can’t have all this stress in my life. I’m not even in high school yet. I don’t know what to do. I don’t think I will tell my dad about my little encounter with my mom on the phone. And when I say little I really mean short. It started with “Hi Sweehe,” lasted for 6 minutes and 44 seconds and ended with “Forget about it, you don’t care about me. When I kill myself it will be your fault.”

I didn’t mean this to be all about my mom. I mean the rest of my family is pretty messed up too. My dad doesn’t mean to be messed up though. He didn’t mean to get hurt. Even though he volunteered to go to Iraq. But my dad always does everything he can for me and my family. He’s got a lot on his mind. And my sister, I don’t talk to her much. But she’s in college so its not her fault. She’s busy too. My mom, well my mom is too unreliable.

It’s just.. How can people care more and pay more attention to people with boyfriend problems when I’m here dealing with so many different problems. My dad nearly died and is dying every day. My parents are getting a divorce. I’ve moved 7 times in the past year, including 3 different countries. I can’t eat. My mom tells me she will kill herself and it will be my fault. When before my dad was hurt she didn’t as much as yell at me. And worst of all, I think something is wrong with me. With my heart, sometimes just when I’m laying in bed it beats too fast. I’ve had a panic attack that no one knows about. I just.. I’m afraid to talk. My dad has so much to deal with. I can’t burden him with my problems. I don’t even know why I’m saying all of this. It must sound like I’m so desperate to do all of this. I hate myself for doing this. I sound so whiney. I sure everyone has there own problems. They shouldn’t have to deal with mine