March 21, 2011
There is new research that suggests that oxytocin and vasopressin may be responsible for hard-wiring our brains to bond to others, permanently, for life. This is the only thing I have heard or read that gives me hope that I am not some complete psycho needy, clingy, irreparably damaged person. Next month will be two years since our breakup. Our breakup motivated me to go on anti-depressants and now I realize that there is no pill to refocus my brain and erase you. Like in the movie Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind, there is no way to erase the deeply ingrained emotions. I imagine that one day I may fall in love with someone else; at first that is what I wanted - when I broke up with you, I really wanted to just find someone else, someone that would be easier to get along with. I have dated other people that were easier to get along with, but I broke up with them, because I could not love them, not the way I loved you. Funny thing is when we met I was not interested in you, not very much. I was recovering from another breakup and you were like a teddy bear, you comforted me. I needed the emotional support you offered. Then when you and I had our first breakup a few months after we were officially dating, I could not begin to believe how much I had fallen in love. I didn't even know I was in love. That was the hardest breakup for me. The break ups that followed were difficult, but I will always remember that one the most. Crazy thing is that I can't believe two years have past and that I still long for you back in my life. It's not an emotionally acute pain, not anymore, it's just a sort of "knowing" that you "shifted" my life in a way that somehow makes it hard to go back to how things were before I met you. I just want to return to how things were when we first met. Sure there are many things I wish could have been better. There are ways that I wish you were different, I won't lie. But if I could push a button to have it all back just the way it was, I guess, I would.