I'm engaged to marry a man I don't love. There's no one to tell so I'm writing about it here.
It's all my fault that I agreed. I spent years dating him even though it never felt right. I broke up with him but didn't find anyone else and this guy and I remained friends and I started to miss all the intimacy. I asked if he wanted to get back together with me, he said no. He said he loved me but worried we'd fall back into our old patterns. A few months later, he asked if I still wanted to be with him and the FOOL I was thought, "You had made the decision to choose him so that means something. Go ahead, you'll make it work."
Bullshit. Everything that bothered me about his before bothers me still. We don't agree on anything. We don't have anything in common. I tell myself that I just need to change my perspective that he's a good man who says he loves me, is loyal, and makes plenty of money. People in other countries get married for lesser reasons.
But I bury my real self when I'm with him. He doesn't make me feel happy or secure or confident. I resent him and I don't know how I'll stay sane. I have thought of suicide in the past and think being with him might make me do it. I can't believe I chose this for myself. Everything I say to him is wrong. Either he can't hear me in the first place and asks me to repeat it or he doesn't "get it." He doesn't get me.
"I'm a man," he'll say as if that's an excuse for being rigid or obtuse or not fun, imaginative, loving.
Every aspect of this wedding planning has been miserable and I think I'm at the point where I don't think I could possibly have fun. If he wasn't there I could have fun. I'd ignore my family and hang out with my friends but ugh - I'm supposed to stand with him and talk with him and dance with him.
I could write so much more but I'll end with this sad question: How does he not know? How can he not see the sadness in my heart and how little time I want to spend with him?? There is no joy in this relationship.