November 19, 2012

In short, I need to get over myself.

When I look at all of the other entries on this website, and then I look at my own, it puts me to shame. Everybody else uses meaningful words, writes deeply, and expresses themselves and their feelings thoughtfully. And then there's me. I sound like a bratty teenager seeking attention when I write those entries, and I guess a lot of the time that's what I am. If you look past my childish words and my limited vocabulary, though, you'll see a deeper hatred. I just wish people could see this other side of it too. Like, my mom says "Honey, it's normal to feel like you don't fit in sometimes. That's what it's like when you're young." But it's not that simple. I don't just feel like a misfit--I find myself contemplating suicide frequently. Whenever my mom mentions that it's normal to feel upset or angry or devastated, I just want to shout, "It's not normal to want to die all the time! It's not normal to regret every bite of food and to want to pierce my own skin every time I do something wrong!"

I am weak and I am afraid. I am too much of an attention seeker to want to get better. Secretly I want to be remembered as the girl everybody loved and they were wrong to not see the signs. At least once a week I have to leave the classroom or skip class because I am crying too much to be productive. Shouldn't that mean something? I need help. But I'm not strong enough to ask for it on my own. What it takes is for somebody to look at me once, just once, and realize She is not okay. That girl is stuck in a living hell and she can't get herself out of it. But no. Everybody has grown so accustomed to my games for attention, my "calling of 'wolf'" if you will, that they haven't got any interest in my drama anymore. And I guess they're right to walk away. Because all that my silly useless antics do is drag everybody else down.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You're right. You feel like you're trying to tell everyone "I'm not alright and what I'm going through is NOT normal!"

What you're going through right now, it's something no one can understand unless they've been through that or worse.

I don't really know what to say to make you feel better. If it's any consolation, it takes guts to admit that you're an attention seeker and you're not pretending that you're not. I probably have the same problem, but I can't admit it and I disgust myself for my pride.