March 20, 2013
Same old ideas run in my head; even fewer. I want to pull all the hair out of my head and scratch my bleeding scalp with my overgrown nails. Don’t know what is wrong. Just can’t think straight, or write, or do anything at all. Feel like my mind is actually diminishing day by day, I think I won’t be able to perform normal everyday tasks soon. I have been skipping university almost every day since a month now. I either go to a friend’s, stay back home, walk somewhere else or just go to university and not go to class or meet up with anybody. I have no control over it. I guess it did get triggered by trivial events but why does this happen to me so much? There’s a difference now. Last year, even though I got suicidal and tried to kill myself with an overdose of insulin, it didn’t feel like my mind was losing its function. I was just really tired of everything. But now, I am suicidal yes, yet the bigger problem is my head is not coordinating with me, there is nothing going on up there. While normally, there are a lot of ideas and things in my conscious mind that I love exploring and I never run out of it - but since a few weeks, it seems like it is closing down. At first, I didn’t use to do things out of laziness or lack of interest but I always ended up doing them in minimal time when I really had to meet a deadline. Lately, I can work on something for hours and that produces nothing at all. This has never happened to me before.